If I Ruled the World
by Chloe Winchester
Summary: Warped way that season four could've gone. Sam's the dictator of the world. Dean's been in Hell for a year. Maggie's disappeared and Lauren's drunk. Alternate ending to my series! Don't have to read other 12. Hurt!Dean Hurt!Castiel
1. Sober

--So this is just one big fat what if. I wanted to do this in my last one but decided against it. Now I'm brining my series back with a vengeance. I hope my regulars show up and maybe some new ones too! Have fun. And Sammy girls, this is nothing personal—

**If I Ruled the World**

**1**

**Sober **

**P!nk **

_I don't wanna be the girl that laughs the loudest_

A year and three weeks. That's how long he's been in Hell. Nine months and three weeks. That's how long I've been drunk. Nine months and three weeks. That's how long my baby's been gone. With him. With the thing worse than Satan. With her uncle.

_Or the girl who never wants to be alone_

Eight months and three days. That's when Maggie disappeared. I'm alone now. Left alone to kill the demons that come my way day and night. Will they kill me? No. I've asked them too. Sam won't let them. Not because he cares, because he knows I suffer more if I live.

_I don't wanna be the call at four o'clock in the mornin'_

I tip the bottle into my mouth again. Why don't I just kill myself? Because that damn angel won't let me. He says I'm important. That God needs me. Well, if you ask me God's doin a real shitty job right now.

'_Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home_

I'm stuck in this world where humans are the workers. The humans are seen as vermin and scum. If you're a thing of darkness, you've got it made. But not me. I won't become a monster. But I'm more than willing to let one finish me off.

_Ahhahh, the sun is blindin_

_I stayed up again_

I hate this. I have no reason to live. Most of the time I don't feel like I'm alive. The motions are robotic. I hardly ever speak. I still cry, even though I should be well out of tears.

_Ohohoh, I am findin'. That's not the way I want my story to end_

I tipped the bottle into my mouth, feeling the sting as it worked its way down my throat. I could still feel that. Pain. It was the only thing I could feel.

_I'm safe. Up high. Nothing can touch me_

The tears are there again when I remember his face. That beautiful face that I loved so much. His eyes so gentle and green. I miss him so much. But this time I can't save him. I can't try to make my visions find him. He's gone forever. And there's nothing I can do about it.

_But why do I feel this party's over? No pain. Inside_

"Lauren." The voice startles me. I look up and snicker.

"You would show up right now." I said. Castiel walked toward me. He glanced at the almost empty bottle in my hand.

_You're my protection. But how do I feel this good sober_

"You should stop drinking." He said. I smirked and took another drink. He sighed.

"You're going to kill yourself, Lauren."

"Good." I grunted.

_I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence_

"You shouldn't say things like that." He said, looking at the floor.

"Why should you care? I can't do anything for you." I said. Another swig.

_The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth_

"Yes you can, Lauren. That's why I'm here." He said. I looked up at him.

"What, you want me to kill Sam?" I asked, hopeful. But he shook his head. I stopped paying attention.

_Please don't tell me we had a conversation. 'Cause I won't remember, save your breath. 'Cause what's the use?_

"I need you to go get something for me." He sat down across from me, probably in an attempt to take the bottle away. I held it tighter.

"I'm not UPS." I said.

_Ahhahh, the night is callin'_

"Lauren, please," The angel reached across the table and grasped my hand. I jerked it away. No one touched me anymore. And especially people I didn't care for. "Sorry."

_And it whispers to me softly, "Come and play". But I, I am fallin'_

"Just don't touch me." I said shortly.

"Will you please do this for me?" He asked. God, he was getting more and more human by the second.

_And if I let myself go I'm the only one to blame. I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me_

"What do you want me to get?" I asked. He looked at the table.

"I can't tell you." He said. I took another drink.

_But why do I feel this party's over_

"Of course you can't." I smirked ruefully.

"I need you to-"

"Have faith?"

_No pain. Inside. You're like perfection. But how do I feel this good sober_

He remained silent.

"Why should I, Cas? You've given me no reason to." I said.

"You're still alive." He said, trying to make a point. I shook my head.

_Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down. Spinnin' round, spinnin' round spinnin' round_

"That's more of a curse than anything." I said. Silence again.

"Lauren, please." He said, his eyes pleading with me.

"Where is it?" I asked. Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my head, and it wasn't from the alcohol.

_Lookin' for myself, sober_

I saw a road, the blood red sky still there. I knew where it was without knowing a real address. I glared at him.

"You're an ass," I said. He didn't react. I finished what was left in the bottle and stood. "Am I going to get something dangerous?" He looked at the floor.

"I don't know." He whispered. I shook my head and left the room, grabbing the gun off of the dresser before I did.

_Comin' down, comin' down, comin' down_

I drove, not thinking about where I was going. I felt so numb. Still so lifeless. I wish I'd be able to feel something. Maybe slicing my wrist open. Yeah, I'd feel that.

_Spinnin' round, spinnin' round, spinnin' round. Lookin' for myself, sober_

I was on a gravel road, and I was lucky that I looked up. I slammed on my brakes, stopping only feet short of the mass lying in the middle of the road. I opened the door and walked toward it slowly, drawing my gun. As my eyes focused I saw that it was a person.

_When it's good, then it's good, it's so good 'til it goes bad_

My defenses lowered. If this was a human they were probably dead, or close to it. Or it was a demon waiting to kill something. Either way, I didn't care.

'_Til you're tryin to find the you that you once had_

"Hey," I said, kneeling next to the person. "Hey are you alright?"

_I've heard myself cry 'never again'_

I focused on the form, what the man looked like. It was familiar. Too familiar. Painfully familiar. I leant down and turned the man's face. My heart twisted and I gasped.

_Broken down in agony, just tryin' to find a friend, oh, oh_

"Dean," I whispered. His face was still. His skin was hot. He looked like he was sleeping. I felt for his pulse just to be sure. I sobbed once when I felt the rhythmic beat. "Dean." I cradled his face in my hands, barely daring to touch him. I felt like I might break him.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you." Castiel said behind me. I wasn't startled this time.

_I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me_

"Is he real?" I asked. The angel nodded.

"Yes. It's really him."

_But why do I feel this party's over_

"How?" I asked.

"We went and got him." I glared up at him.

"Why did it take so long?" I snarled.

"Because we had to fight to get to him. It was harder than we anticipated. And we were still too late." I didn't want to know what for.

_No pain, inside. You're like perfection_

"His skin's so hot." I said. Castiel nodded again.

"A hundred and twenty years in Hell does that." He said.

"What?!"

_But how do I feel this good sober_

"Hell time and Earth time are not the same." Castiel said. I looked back down at his beautiful face. He was here, with me, and he was mine again.

"Will he be alright?"

_I'm safe, up high. Nothing can touch me_

"I don't know," Castiel said. "He'll wake in a few hours." I touched his cheek, still worried that he would disappear.

And Castiel was gone after that. I felt the tears of disbelief start to fall from my eyes. I hugged him to me. God his skin was so hot. I started to sob, touching his hair and his face, clinging to him for dear life.

_But why do I feel this party's over_

He was back. And he was mine. Right here again. But is he alright? One hundred and twenty years. I had no idea what he'd be like now. If he was still my Baby.

_No pain, inside. You're like perfection_

I was still crying. God I had missed him so much. But I wouldn't be assured until I heard him speak. Until he said my name. Until he looked at me with those beautiful eyes.

He stirred in my arms and moaned. He leaned into me and relaxed. I had to get him out of here. As soon as I thought that I was back in the motel room, my car parked outside.

I looked up. "Thank you Cas."

_But how do I feel this good, sober_


	2. When You're Gone

**2**

**When You're Gone**

**Avril Lavigne**

_I always needed time on my own_

I was still looking at him, still unable to believe he was really here. Right here. I could touch him if I wanted to. But I refrained from doing so. I still think I thought he'd disappear if I did. He was lying down on the bed I was sitting on, his chest rising and falling in a rhythmic pattern. He hadn't made a sound since earlier, and that scared me a little.

_I never thought I'd need you there when I cried_

I was still worried to see what he was like now. If he was different at all. If he was still Dean. If the trauma of Hell hadn't caused him to lose his mind. But I hoped. It was all I had right now. I hadn't allowed myself to hope for so long.

_And the days feel like years when I'm alone_

He stirred, brows creasingand forming a line. He moaned. I touched his forehead. God, his skin was on fire. But he was here. Here…

_And the bed where you lie is made up on your side_

His eyes opened and my heart leapt. But the fear in them made it sink again. He looked around frantically, sitting up with great effort.

"No!" He said, his voice a small rasp and barely audible. "No, no, please, no!"

_When you walk away I count the steps that you take_

"Dean," I said, touching his face and making him look at me. "Dean, Baby, it's alright!" He looked at me, his eyes confused. He smiled for a second and touched my cheek.

"Lauren," He said. I could barely hear him. I smiled back at him, tears in my eyes. But his smile turned to horror very quickly and his face went white. He shook his head. "No, no, you can't be here! They'll hurt you! They'll take you away from me! You have to run, Baby, run please!" He thought he was still in Hell.

_Do you see how much I need you right now?_

"No, Dean this isn't Hell," He shook his head and began to cry. "Dean you're out! I swear to God, Dean!" He shook his head.

"They would make you lie to me. Please leave, Baby, before they hurt you. Please…" He begged.

"Dean, what can I do to make you believe me?" I asked, helpless. He swallowed.

"I can't believe you. They'll take you away if I do." He choked, tears still falling from his eyes.

_When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you_

"Dean, please remember. You woke up in a coffin. You pulled yourself out. You got to a road and collapsed. Please, Baby, you're not in Hell." I'd had the vision earlier. He looked confused, then I saw recognition dawn on his face.

"I'm, I'm out?" He asked. I wished to God those tears would disappear. I nodded.

"Yes, you're out. You're safe. You're with me." I assured. He stared at me for a moment, disbelief apparent on his face. I wasn't expecting him to lunge at me. He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me to him, kissing me like no one else could.

_When you're gone, the face I came to know is missing to_

Even his lips were hot. They spread a different kind of fire through me. I remembered the motions quite well. What he'd do, what he wouldn't. But I felt something different this time. A deep sadness and desperation to feel me. To make sure I wasn't lying to him. My hands cupped his face, still too damn scared to touch anywhere else.

_When you're gone the words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it okay_

"I love you." He repeated it over and over, as if he might forget it. He started kissing my neck. It was at that moment I realized I was crying. I missed him so much. And he was right here. I could feel him.

_I miss you_

"I'm so sorry I left you. I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry…" He said, his lips never leaving me for more than a second.

"Shh…" I leaned my forehead against his. He looked at me, with those eyes I talked about earlier. And for no reason at all, absolutely none, we started laughing.

_I've never felt this way before. Everything that I do reminds me of you_

"Wait," He said. "Sammy, where's Sammy?" The hope in his voice. That vulnerable look on his face. I couldn't tell him. But I had to. I was the only one that could. I looked at the floor. He got worried. "Lauren, where's Sam?"

"Dean…Sam's, not Sam anymore."

_And the clothes you left, they lie on my floor. And they smell just like you_

"What are you talking about?" He asked. "What happened to Sam?" God, that face. It made my heart ache.

"About four months after…After you died, Sam started to change," I didn't want to keep going. Not with those eyes on me. "He left Maggie for Ruby. He started using his powers and…" I looked at Dean. "And he took over the world, Dean." Dean shook his head.

"No, not Sammy, no. Sam wouldn't-"

"Sam did. He was helping Lilith with the apocalypse, to bring Lucifer back. But he didn't want to answer to him. So he promised Lilith a spot of real power next to him if she helped him and stopped trying to bring Lucifer back. And she did. He took the whole planet in less than three months. It was amazing."

_I love the things that you do_

Dean shut his eyes to hide his tears.

"Where's the baby?" He asked. My stomach hit the floor and my heart turned to ice. I felt tears in my own eyes.

"He took her. Took her to help him. He used her powers to kill thousands of people. He made her do it. He told her they were bad people. And she just…" I had heard about it on the news. A child whose eyes flashed a bright blue and left everyone dead in her wake. Nothing could stop her. No weapon could injure her. She was the perfect atomic bomb. They could never show her on camera, but witnesses could see the disasters from miles away.

_When you walk away I count the steps that you take_

"You've been alone this whole time?" Dean asked. I bet it hurt for him to talk. It sounded like it did. I nodded.

"He just took her away from me," I whispered. He hugged me again, letting me cry in his chest. He was shaking from holding himself up. "Dean, lie down." I said. He fell back, and I clung to him as tight as I could.

_Do you see how much I need you right now?_

"I love you." I whispered. Dean ran his fingers through my hair. He lifted my chin and kissed me again, his lips shaking.

"I love you too." He said. I kissed his forehead, knowing what this kind of grief would do to him. He had lost his little brother, and I know he was blaming himself.

_When you're gone, the pieces of my heart are missing you. And when you're gone_

"This isn't your fault." I said. He shook his head.

"Dad said I might have to kill him but I didn't think…I didn't…"

Those damned tears again. I know he hated to let them out. I kissed him.

"Shh…Right now you need to rest." I said.

_The face I came to know is missing too. And when you're gone_

"Does your throat hurt?" I asked. He nodded. I grabbed a bottle of water. He downed the whole thing in less than two minutes. And now his attention was back on me. "You really should rest."

"I don't want to," He said, cupping my cheek with his scorching hand. "I want you." He kissed me again, his passion more intense than I was used to. Or maybe it was because I hadn't seen him. He worked his hands under my shirt and pulled it over my head. My heart beat faltered when I felt those familiar, soft touches all over again. I yanked his shirt up and over his head, and stopped.

_The words I need to hear to always get me through the day_

"What's wrong?" He asked. I didn't answer. Every scar was gone. Every single one. And on his shoulder was a bright red handprint. It radiated heat. He glanced over and his eyes grew. "What the hell?" He asked. "God, what pulled me out?" I shook my head.

"Later. I'll tell you later." I said. He nodded. I touched every inch of skin I could see, making him moan and tense. I kissed his chest, running my hands over his flawless skin.

_And make it okay. I miss you. We were made for each other, out here forever. I know we were_

We were both naked soon. He kissed behind my ear, so gentle. His need was so strong I could feel it pouring from his skin. I was still wondering if this wasn't some amazing dream that I would wake up from soon.

_And all I ever wanted was for you to know, everything I do I give my heart and soul_

I couldn't stop touching him, my subconscious couldn't stop making sure. I had begged for this moment. Begged, prayed, wished. And wishes didn't come true. But maybe this time it did.

"Lauren, love me," He pleaded. "Love me, please."

_I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me. When you're gone the pieces of my heart are missing you_

Afterward he held me, held me like I'd slip away from him. But I could never, ever leave him.

_And when you're gone the face I came to know is missing too. And when you're gone_

I was alive again. I could feel again. And I wished that this might be what heaven's like. That maybe I am dead. But it didn't matter. Dean mattered. Wherever he was, I would be. Last time I couldn't follow him, but I wouldn't let that happen again.

_The words I need to hear to always get me through the day_

"I have to get Sam back." He said. I winced. I knew that was coming.

"I know." I whispered.

"But tonight…I'm yours tonight." I wished the sun would never come up.

_And make it okay_

"I missed you, so much." I said, looking up into those eyes.

"I know I missed you more."

_I miss you_

--OK, that's it for awhile! But for now feedback!--


	3. Welcome to the Jungle

--Now, Sammy girls, ya might get mad at me after this. Hell, after this you'll be mad at me through the whole story, so here's your warning : D --

3

**Welcome to the Jungle**

**Guns 'N Roses**

_Welcome to the jungle. We got fun and games_

I walked down the ruined street, stepping over lifeless human bodies, smiling at all of the casualties. Who cared about 500 less humans in the world? Yes, I had been one less than a year ago but that was then. Now, the world was mine.

_We got everything you want. Honey we know the names_

Hitler had nothing on me. Ten years from now no one will even remember who that was. I will go down in history as the greatest ruler the planet had ever seen. I've taken the entire earth, and I'm not even thirty. My niece is standing at the end of the road, waiting for me. I smiled at her, pleased with the mess she has made here.

_We are the people that can find whatever you may need_

"Uncle Sam," She said. "Are you sure these people were bad?" It was a miracle what witches could do. I needed her powers to develop faster, so they aged her. She's sixteen now. And she'll believe anything I tell her.

_If you've got the money, honey, we've got your disease_

"Yes, Caitlyn, very bad. They were going to try and hurt me. And Ruby, and Alastair and Lilith, all the people you care about."

She frowned. God she looked like her father when she did that. She looked like her father when she did most things. Her eyes, her hair, the way she carried herself, even the way she spoke, all her father. All my dead brother.

_In the jungle, welcome to the jungle. We can bring you to your_

I haven't seen him in so long. Even though I could have whenever I wanted to. Devil's Gates let anyone in and, in my case, out. That's how I got Ruby back. I found her a brain-dead host that was to my liking, plucked her from Hell and put her inside. I never bothered to see my brother. Maybe I should pay a visit, though.

_Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees, knees. Muah, I wanna watch you bleed._

It might hurt him more than the methods they've devised down there- though I hear he's been making up his own lately- to see what I've become. And tell him that he helped me do it.

_Welcome to the jungle, we take it day by day_

The planet was mine before Lilith and I started trying to get Lucifer out. We were preparing it for when he got here. It took nine whole months for us to be able to start, but luckily, Dean came through. Sixty five seals later I was preparing to kill Lilith. That's when it hit me. Why should I have to listen to someone I've never even met. I had all of the power. _I_ was the one that got this far, why should I give it up? They were all ready to follow me, anyway. I decided to make a deal with her. The prospect that she got to live _and_ have a good amount of power appealed to her. So, she obliged. I will say that sealing a deal with her isn't the most pleasant of tasks.

_If you want it you're gonna bleed, but it's the price you pay_

"Can we leave, Uncle Sam?" Caitlyn asked, glancing warily at a dead toddler next to her. I nodded and led her toward the car. Also my brothers.

"Wait for me," I said. "I have some business to attend to." She nodded and got into the Impala.

_And you're a very sexy girl, that's very hard to please_

"Look around," I barked to the soldier in front of me. "Any survivors, kill them." He nodded and nearly sprinted off in the other direction. He was afraid of me. I smiled and walked back to the car. Good.

_You can taste the bright lights but you won't get them for free_

"Uncle Sam?" Caitlyn asked quietly.

"What?" I snapped, irritated by her constant questions. God, she was just like her father!

"How can a child hurt us?"

"Because," I sighed, even more agitated. "When the child gets older it would have hurt us. You stopped it before that could happen. Good girl."

_In the jungle, welcome to the jungle. Feel my, my, my serpentine. Muah, I, I wanna hear you scream_

She was silent once more, but I knew she'd bring it up again later.

She remained quiet for the rest of the way home. If you called this fortress a home. The walls were steel with stone facing. The towers were high, high enough to see for miles. The fence was eighteen feet tall, also steel. Barbed wire wrapped around the top, and the whole thing was electric. Numerous guards roamed the perimeter. Cameras covered every angle, inside and out. It was cold, dark and vast. Perfect.

_Welcome to the jungle, it gets worse here everyday_

But the torture chamber was the crown jewel. Then again it would be, since Alastair ran it. Even I didn't know the horrors he had cooked up.

_Learn to live like an animal in the jungle where we play_

Caitlyn followed me inside, glancing at the still guards like she always did. The gate shut with a creak behind us, and we were home. I stalked down the wide hallway, no one daring to move when I passed. Until Azazel came up behind me.

_If you got a hunger for what you see you'll take it eventually_

Caitlyn shied away from him. He made her uneasy. And it was likewise for him.

"Sir, I have news." He said.

"I'm trying to celebrate. The resistance was just terminated less than an hour ago, can't it wait?"

"I'm afraid it's urgent, my lord." He said.

"I said later, damn it!" I yelled. He backed down.

"Congratulations, then," He said. "I was a little worried it wouldn't be," He glanced over his shoulder at Caitlyn. "As easy as some of the others. Considering the age range."

"She knows what those people would have done." I said shortly.

_You can have anything you want_

He smiled and nodded.

"Yes, sir. Very good, sir." I'm not sure when I had surpassed him in power, but I had. And Lilith as well. They both obeyed me now. Azazel knew better than to try his usual games on me. Though my eyes matched his, we were nowhere near equals.

_But you better not take it from me_

"Very good indeed," He continued. He was overdoing it on the ass kissing scale. "But I think you should know-"

"Is it something that will upset me?" I asked.

"Most likely, sir." He said truthfully.

"Then keep it to yourself for awhile. I've had a relatively good day, so far." I spat. He sighed.

_In the jungle, welcome to the jungle we can bring you to your_

"Caitlyn," I turned to her. "Go find your mother. If she asks where I am tell her I'm with Azazel." She smiled and nodded.

"Okay. Bye Uncle Sam, bye Mr. Azazel." She turned and bounced down the hallway. She even trusted me like her father did. And did she have any idea of his existence? No. And I planned to keep it that way.

_Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees, knees. Muah, I, I'm gonna watch you bleed_

"What's next, my lord?" Yellow-Eyes asked, snapping me out of my daze.

"You tell me." I said, continuing toward the great hall.

"There's another resistance close by," He explained. "We haven't pinpointed their location yet, but we will soon."

"How many?" I asked.

"Less than a hundred." I sighed, disappointed.

"Just make sure my dear sister-in-law isn't with them. I won't have her killed." He nodded.

"Yes, sir."

_When you're high you never, ever wanna go down_

Ah, Lauren. I ripped the only family she had left from her arms and left her. I thought that the state she was in when I left might have killed her. But Maggie had medical training from her mother. Pity. I think Lauren wants to join my brother. The vast doors opened by the sheer will of my mind. I walked to the end of the large room and sat down.

_So down_

Uriel stepped forward, a smile on his dark face.

"Congratulations, my lord," He said. "And it took less than an hour, well done." I nodded curtly.

"Yes, it went rather quickly," I said. The angel's smile faded and he looked at the ground. "What is it?" I asked.

_So down, so down_

"Now, my lord, I don't know if this is true or not, but, it seems that your brother-"

"This is what I was going to tell you earlier!" Azazel interrupted. Uriel scowled.

"What about him?!" I bellowed.

"A few things," Uriel said. "About a month ago, he got back on the rack." My eyes grew. Got back on? No one, ever, EVER, got back on when the offer was made. What made him so special?

"WHY?" I snarled.

"He didn't want to hurt people anymore." Alastair said, disgusted. I sneered, shaking my head in disbelief.

_You know where you are? You're in the jungle, baby. You're gonna die_

"Who told you this?" I spat.

"Another angel. Castiel." He said.

"Bring him here. I want to see what else he knows." I demanded.

"With all do respect, my lord, I don't think he'll speak to you." Uriel said quietly. I smiled.

"I don't care if he won't talk to me. But in time, he'll talk to Alastair." I said, unable to stop myself from laughing.

_In the jungle welcome to the jungle. We can bring you to your_

"Sir, there's more." Azazel said.

_Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees, knees. In the jungle, welcome to the jungle_

"What?" I said. "What could possibly have happened to be so damn important?!" Uriel and Azazel glanced at each other, hesitant.

_Feel my, oh my, my, my serpentine_

"WHAT, GOD DAMN IT!" I roared. They winced.

_In the jungle, welcome to the jungle we can bring you to your_

"Sir, you're right, we should tell you this later, so as to not ruin your good spirits." Uriel said. I scowled at them.

_Sha-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-knees, knees. _

"Tell me, now." I said through gritted teeth, seething.

_The jungle, welcome to the jungle we can bring you to your_

Azazel hesitated. Alastair cut him off.

"It's Dean, sir. He's out."

_It's gonna bring you down! HUH! _

--Tell me your verdict!--


	4. Carry On Wayward Son

--**WARNING: **This chap is rated **M** for violence and gore.--

4

**Carry On Wayward Son**

**Kansas**

_Carry on my wayward son_

I stood before Alastair in nothing but chains, begging him to get the knife out of my gut. He laughed and twisted it ninety degrees. I screamed but had no voice.

_There'll be peace when you are done_

I didn't have one left. I didn't have anything left. He took it. With a snap of his fingers he could take anything from me. Like my voice. With an agonizing crunch the knife was withdrawn.

_Lay your weary head to rest_

I gasped silently in relief. But Alastair was smiling. That meant something worse than my mangled insides. My body shook violently in both fear and anticipation.

_Don't you cry no more_

"Ya know, Dean," Alastair said, walking toward me. "This was a real stupid decision for you to make," He waved his hand and I had a voice again, I could hear my ragged breathing. "You sure you want to stay like this? You sure you want this pain to jeep going? 'Cause you can still get off."

"Up yours." I rasped.

_Once I rose above the noise and confusion_

Alastair grinned again.

"Have it your way, then." He turned and walked away. I waited. I knew better than to think nothing would happen.

_Just to get a glimpse behind this illusion_

I felt warmth around my ankles, heat that turned blistering very quickly. I looked down, past the blood dripping from my stomach to the source of the heat. Fire. Blue and white licking up my legs leaving blisters and scorched flesh behind.

_I was soaring ever higher, but I flew too high_

"No, no, no, please, no." I whimpered. The pain hit like a wave hitting the shore. I screamed, a dry, broken sound.

_Though my eyes could see I still was a blind man_

I screamed and screamed, begging for an end. For a death that wouldn't come because it already had. It spread over my waist, my stomach, my chest, my arms and finally, my face.

_Though my mind could think I still was a madman_

I could smell my own skin. I could feel it fall away, leaving nothing but bone. The process was so slow I thought I had lost my mind halfway through.

_I hear the voices when I'm dreaming_

It took an entire day. When Alastair came I was blind; my eyes were gone. I was mute; my tongue was gone. But for some strange reason I could still hear.

_I can hear them say_

"You ready for it to stop?" He asked. I tried to nod, but I couldn't move either. He chuckled. I heard a snap and I could see. I could breathe, I could move. I had a body again, untouched. Ready for slaughter all over again.

_Carry on my wayward son_

I gasped, trying desperately to think clearly. I thought of my brother, my wife and my baby-girl. They were all I could hang onto.

"You know this'll continue as long as you refuse me." It wasn't a question.

_There'll be peace when you are done_

"Yes." I croaked. He shook his head.

"You got more guts than I thought, boy," He grinned at me and pulled out a very small but very sharp knife. "But how long do you think you can take this?"

"Bring it."

_Lay your weary head to rest_

He spent three days carving me up. Slice after slice until, once again, there was nothing left. He drove nails through my limbs and hung me on walls. He peeled my skin off layer by layer. He drowned me, he took away my ability to breathe and watched me suffocate. He dumped molten liquid down my throat and cooked me from the inside out. For a hundred years.

_Don't you cry no more_

I woke up, sweating, freezing and crying uncontrollably. I felt warm arms wrap around me. I knew that smell. I knew this body.

"Shh…sh, shhh. It's alright." She soothed. My fingers clenched her shirt, making sure she was there.

_Masquerading as a man with a reason_

"I couldn't wake you up," Lauren said quietly. I could hear the tears in her voice. "God, the way you were screaming…"

"I'm sorry," I choked. "I scared you, I'm so sorry."

_My charade is the event of the season_

"Shh, Dean, it's alright. Are you okay?" I buried my face in her neck.

"He s-set me on fire, Lauren. On f-fire." Her grip on me tightened.

"God, Baby," She whispered. She kissed my temple. "It's over now. I've got you, it's okay."

_And if I claim to be a wise man, well, it surely means that I don't know_

I remembered once, down there, she told me the same thing.

Alastair had left me bleeding to "death". I had my head bowed, too weak to lift it, trying to get to my next breath.

That's when I felt those gentle hands on my face, lifting my head and my eyes.

"B-Baby?" I gasped. She smiled and stroked my cheek.

"Shh, it's over now. I've got you, it's okay." I felt a strong wave of relief. I let Alastair fool me.

_On a stormy sea of moving emotion_

I leaned into her caress. I kissed her back when she kissed me. I fell for it. I truly believed I was getting out of here.

"It's okay now. I'm here." She said.

_Tossed about I'm like a ship on the ocean_

"D-don't leave m-me," I begged. "P-please."

"I won't, Baby. I'm right here. I'm not goin' anywhere." She leaned in to kiss me again.

A noose wrapped around her neck before she could. She was ripped away from me.

"NOOOO!" I screamed. I heard a snap. It was her neck. She hung in front of me, her perfect eyes bulging from their sockets, her limbs hanging limp at her sides. I let my head fall, unable to stop myself from sobbing.

_I set a course for winds of fortune. But I hear the voices say_

"Dean, it's alright. Shh…Don't cry." That couldn't happen here. Alastair couldn't do anything here.

_Carry on my wayward son_

"I'm s-sorry. It was j-just a d-dream." I said, feeling more pathetic than I had in my life.

"Did you remember something? From…Down there?" She asked.

"I never forgot."

_There'll be peace when you are done_

"What pulled me out, Lauren?" I asked. I had to know. What debt did I owe to some evil thing? What was strong enough to pull me out of there?

"An angel."

_Lay your weary head to rest_

I couldn't think. How could they exist? Why would they start helping me now? No. No she had to be wrong. Angels don't exist. There is no God, or Heaven. Only Hell.

"How do you know?" I asked.

"I've met him. I've been talking to him for the past year. He showed up after…you died."

_Don't you cry no more_

Another flash hit me.

At least twenty of them were ripping me apart, bit by bit. Laughing at my screams. I didn't know where Alastair went, but he wasn't here. I was sort of thankful for that.

I heard something above me.

_Carry on, you will always remember_

I heard yells of both terror and anger, not the usual noise you hear down here.

_Carry on, nothing equals the splendor_

I could see light. Not red. Not fire. I saw demons fleeing and charging at it. Some furious, some scared out of their minds.

_Now your life's no longer empty_

The demons that were on me abandoned their mission and jumped up after it, teeth bared in snarls. I was thankful they were gone. I focused on breathing. It was the only thing besides pain that you could think about.

But the light got brighter. I looked up. It was so much closer now. It was lashing out at the demons, knocking them away. It was coming at me.

_Surely Heaven waits for you_

I hid my face away from it. It wanted to hurt me. Everything wanted to hurt me, whether it was a bright light or not. I could feel it behind me. Its glow was so intense there weren't any shadows anymore. I tensed and tried to get away from it.

_Carry on my wayward son_

But you had no strength here. I felt something unbearably hot grasp my shoulder.

"No! Please!" I said, voice cracking. The thing didn't let go. It dragged me up, farther and farther. I didn't know what it would do to me. Where it was taking me.

_There'll be peace when you are done_

But the farther we went, the less it hurt. The less I hurt, I looked up at it, but it hurt my eyes. Then, without a second warning, I was in a pine box. The only thing that hurt my throat, and I was completely healed.

"His name's Castiel," Lauren said. "He says you're supposed to do something important."

"Like what?" I asked. What could God want from me? And why of all times did he want to talk to me now?

_Lay your weary head to rest_

She touched my face again.

"At least you're not hot anymore." I pulled out that smirk I hadn't used in God knows how long.

"Ouch. That hurts, Baby." A smile lit up her beautiful face and I couldn't tell it had been too long since it had.

"Where are we, anyway?" I asked.

"A motel in South Dakota." She said. I nodded.

A frantic pounding on the door made us both jump.

"Lauren! Lauren open the damn door!" She darted to the door and looked through the peephole.

"Lauren! Lauren, hurry up, please!" She wrenched the door open.

"Bobby!" Lauren exclaimed, slamming the door behind him. "How many?" She asked. He shook his head.

"I dunno, eight, ten," He said. She nodded. He looked around the small, tattered room. And his eyes finally found me.

"Dean?"

_Don't you cry no more_

--Yes, some of my old psychosis came out in this. Sorry : / --


	5. Rag Doll

5

**Rag Doll**

**Aerosmith**

_Rag Doll, livin' in a movie_

"It's Dean, sir. He's out." It took a moment for that to sink in. Out. How could Dean be out? How the hell did he get out?!

The doors opened before I could ask. Ruby walked toward me, smirking.

_Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie_

"Hey, Babe." She said. I looked at her, trying not to be distracted. My eyes roved up and down her body against my will, just like the smirk that spread over my face. I shook my head and looked back at the demons and angels I was seriously considering killing.

"What do you mean he's out?" I said, calmer than I would have a moment ago. Ruby had caught me off guard and diffused me.

"I mean what I said, sir," Alastair said. "He got out. I went down there last night and he was gone."

"How?" I said through gritted teeth.

"Damn," Uriel said under his breath. He looked up at me. "I'm fairly sure it was Castiel, my lord."

"What's going on?" Ruby asked.

_So fine, they'll never see you leavin' by the back door_

"Dean got out of Hell," I said shortly. She frowned. "And how do you _know_ that Castiel got him out?" I asked.

"He was talking about trying to get him out months ago. But it's a slow process getting all the way down to where Dean was. That's why it took him so long." He said quietly. I stood, face red.

"ARE YOU TELLING ME YOU _KNEW_ THIS WAS GOING TO HAPPEN?!" I screamed. Ruby grabbed my shoulder and led me back down.

_Hot time; get it while it's easy_

"I didn't actually think he would succeed!" Uriel defended. "No one has ever gone that deep to retrieve someone before. I thought the demons would surely kill him before he got his hands on Dean." I took a few deep breaths, focusing on Ruby's hand on my shoulder.

_Don't mind, come on up and see me_

"I want you to find this Castiel and get him here, now. He has to listen to you anyway, correct?" He nodded. "Good. Go get him, before I change my mind and kill you!" I blinked and he was gone.

_Rag Doll, Baby won't you do me like you done before_

"The rest of you leave before I kill you as well." I barked. Alastair and Azazel bowed and walked out of the room. Ruby made a move to follow them. I grabbed her wrist.

_I'm feelin' like a bad boy, mmm, just like a bad boy_

"Where do you think you're going?" I asked darkly. She smiled and turned, sitting on my lap, straddling me between her legs.

"Anywhere you want me to, Honey." She said wryly.

"Where's Caitlyn?"

_I'm rippin' up a rag doll. Like throwin' away an old toy_

"Playing with Lilith." She said. I grimaced.

"I hope they don't make a mess. We're running out of dogs." I said. She nodded. Lilith may have been the first demon ever, but she still liked to play her little games. Caitlyn never partook in any of them. Which I wasn't sure if I was grateful or worried. She never did any of the…darker things that most of us participated in. She didn't want to.

_Some babe's talking real loud. Talkin' all about the new crowd_

Ruby kissed me and broke my train of thought. I smiled at her, and she kissed me again. She was fun to play with.

_Try and sell me on an old dream. A new version of the old scene_

I tried to push the thought of my brother out of my head. It wouldn't be long until he found Lauren. They were so inseparable it nearly made me sick. And after that she would tell him what I was. And that I had taken his daughter. He would come here for her. And to talk to me. I smiled. Let him come.

_Speak easy on the grape vine. Keep shufflin' the shoe shine_

"What are you thinkin' about?" Ruby asked.

"Dean'll come here eventually." I said.

"Does that worry you?" She said. I shook my head.

"No. Just frustrates me." I said. She smiled and started kissing my neck.

_Old tin lizzy, do it 'til you're dizzy_

"How will I ever distract you?" She asked sarcastically. I laughed in my throat.

"I can think of a few ways." I whispered. She giggled, still sucking on my neck.

_Give it all you got until you're put out of your misery_

I held onto her waist, relishing the feel of her hair in my face. She pulled away and grinned slyly at me, leaning her forehead against my own.

"Thirsty?"

_Rag doll, livin' in a movie_

I grinned back at her.

"Always." I said. Her smile broadened. She withdrew her knife from her boot and flicked it open. I watched it hungrily, waiting anxiously for that luscious red liquid to start flowing. She made a shallow cut on her neck. I watched each drop start to spill, and I'd hate for it to be wasted. I attacked her neck, the thirst in the back of my throat too strong. It took over my instincts. She gasped.

_Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie. So fine, they'll never see you leavin' by the back door_

I felt it pour down my throat, the most satisfying and delectable thing I had ever had the pleasure of swallowing. I felt stronger after each drop. I could literally feel her pulse in my mouth, and I knew as soon as it slowed to stop. I did still need her, after all.

_Hot time; get it while it's easy. Don't mind, come on up and see me_

But that hadn't happened yet. I could still hear her gasping, her fingers tangled in my hair and pulling.

_Rag doll, baby won't you do me like you done before_

My heart rate climbed, higher and higher 'til I thought my chest might burst.

_Yes, I'm movin', Yes, I'm movin' Get ready for the big time_

I bit down without thinking about it. She yelped.

"Easy, tiger." She breathed. I relaxed my jaw. I could feel her pulse slow about a fraction. But I kept going. That was the thing about this stuff, it was addicting.

_Tap dancing on a land mine. Yes, I'm movin', yes I'm movin'_

It had officially slowed now. And I pulled away. She smiled at me, pleasure in her eyes.

"Feel better?" She asked. I grinned, the sweet coppery taste still in my mouth. I could still feel it on my lips and on my face.

"Absolutely."

_Old tin lizzy, do it till you're dizzy. Give it all you got until you're put out of your misery_

I crushed my lips against hers, smearing the blood on my face onto hers. She giggled and kissed me back.

_Rag doll, livin' in a movie. Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie. So fine, they'll never see you leavin' by the back door_

Her nails dug into my neck, on the verge of breaking skin. I bit her lip, running my hands under her shirt.

_Hot time, get it while it's easy. Don't mind, come on up and see me_

The doors opened again. I groaned.

_Rag doll, baby won't ya do me, baby won't ya do me…like you done before_

Ruby sighed and looked at me, waiting for me to tell her what to do.

"Sorry to interrupt, sir," Alastair's voice said behind her. I shut my eyes in frustration. "But I need to speak with you."

_Yes, I'm movin', yes I'm movin'. Get ready for the big time. I get crazy on the moonshine. Yes, I'm movin', I'm really movin'_

Ruby slid off of me, wiping both her face and mine. I glared at Alastair, mentally calming myself down.

"What do you want?" I snapped.

"Uriel got the other angel here, would you like to speak with him?" He asked.

"Have you dealt with him yet?" I asked. Alastair smiled lightly and half shrugged.

"Not as much as some, but enough." He said, malice thick in his voice. Ruby chuckled.

_Sloe gin fizzy, do it till you're dizzy. Give it all you got until you're put out of your misery_

I nodded.

"Yes, bring him in." I said. Alastair grinned and waved his hand. The doors opened and two demons carrying a bloodied figure walked into the room. They dropped him in front of me, the shackles rattling. I looked down at him, relishing the pain in his icy blue eyes. Ruby smiled smugly.

"Sucks to be you, huh Castiel?" She said.

_Rag doll, livin' in a movie. Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie_

The angel looked up at me, true fear in his eyes. A tremor went through his body, shaking him and the shackles around his wrists.

"So, you got my brother out of Hell?" I asked. He didn't answer. I nodded to Alastair. He stepped forward and struck the angel's back with the blunt instrument in his hand.

"GAAAH!" Castiel screamed, his body tensing. He relaxed again, breath heavy. He looked up at me.

_So fine, they'll never see you leavin' by the back door_

"Did you drag my brother out of Hell?" I repeated. Castiel nodded.

"Why?" I asked. Once again the angel didn't answer me. Alastair struck him again. He cried out in pain, but shook his head. Alastair hit him over and over and over again. By the time I told Alastair to stop the angel was almost on the floor, even more bloodied than he was when he came in.

"Why?" I asked. Castiel shook his head weakly.

_Don't mind, come on up and see me. Rag doll, baby won't ya do me like you done before_

"Stubborn, aren't they?" Ruby muttered. I glared down at the angel, wanting Alastair to grab that sword of his and kill him here and now. But no, I would let Alastair try and get more information out of him. And killing him slower would be more fun. Hell I could take him to the guillotine later if I really wanted to.

"Take him," I said. The angel whimpered when they hauled him up. I looked at Alastair. "Don't kill him without my say so. And don't stop torturing him until he tells us what we want to know." I saw fear spark in Castiel's eyes. I grinned. Alastair nodded and gave a small bow before he followed them out, a cheerful smile on his face.

_Rag doll, livin' in a movie. Hot tramp, Daddy's little cutie_

I looked at Ruby remembering what we were doing before we had been interrupted. She grinned at me in _that_ way.

"Alastair," I called before the door shut. "Lock the door." I heard the door close. And just like that, she was on me again.

_So fine, they'll never see you leavin' by the back door_

She kissed me deeper, rougher. I liked it. My arms wrapped around her, holding her in a vice against me.

_Hot time, get it while it's easy. Don't mind, come on up and see me_

Her nails were in my neck again. Tangling in my hair. My heart started pounding again. I pulled her shirt up and over her head, and she literally ripped mine off of me.

_Rag doll_

"Uncle Sam, Mother!" A voice on the other side of the doors yelled. We both stopped and glared at the door.

"What the hell is it Caitlyn?" I bellowed.

"Lilith killed another dog!" I groaned, disgusted. Ruby looked at me, her brown eyes seductive.

"Have Azazel deal with it!" I called. My attention was back on her. She leaned down, kissing my neck.

"I wanna do a demon," I whispered, my mouth next to her ear. She grinned at me, her eyes turning black. I smiled. "Much better."

_Baby won't ya do me like you done before_

--For those of you who find the bloodplay gross, sorry. For those who like it, you're welcome ; D --


	6. You Found Me

--Okay, here ya go guys! Have fun!--

6

**You Found Me**

**The Fray**

_I found God on the corner of First and Amistad_

The plan was set. Bobby, Lauren and Dean were going to that fortress, much to Lauren's disdain. She was almost certain Sam would kill him. Bobby had his objections as well, after he got over the shock of finding out the man he considered as a son was alive

_Where the west was all but won. All alone_

But they both knew arguing with the eldest Winchester was pointless.

Now they were sneaking through alleyways on foot, the abandoned/half blown up motel miles behind him. They dodged groups of demon soldiers and other creatures. At least two of them were sure to be killed if found.

_Smoking his last cigarette. I said "Where you been?"_

Lauren looked around a corner, seeing if they were clear to move. She saw two of Sam's demons walking down the road, dragging something. Something that was fighting back. She pressed her back to the brick building behind her, shadowing her face.

"Let go of me you black eyed sons a bitches!"

_He said, "Ask anything"_

"Lauren, I think that's Kris." Bobby said.

"I swear to all things holy I will exorcise your asses so damn slow you'll go to Hell on your own!" The woman screamed, kicking and thrashing.

"Yeah, that's Kris." Dean whispered.

_Where were you when everything was falling apart?_

Lauren stepped out of the alleyway so quickly Dean didn't have a chance to try and stop her.

"Hey, ugly," She said, raising her gun. "Let her go." Kris attempted to look over her shoulder without success.

"What makes you think we won't kill you too?" One of the demons asked.

"I'm Sam's sister-in-law, you can't touch me." The demons scowled at her.

_All my days were spent by the telephone_

"That won't stop us. 'Specially cause you're all alone, little one. What are you gonna do?"

"Shoot you in the face with rock salt." Dean said, drawing his gun and firing twice. The demons fell, clutching their faces and yelling. Kris fell also and scrambled up, facing her rescuers. Bobby became up behind Dean.

"Man, am I glad to see you guys," She said, sighing. "Oh, hey Dean." She smiled.

"Hey Kris. How's it going?" He asked. She shrugged.

"Ya know, same old, same old," She said. "Thanks, by the way."

_It never rang, and all I ever wanted was a call_

"Don't mention it," Bobby said. "We'd better haul ass. More demons could show up."

"Where're you goin'?" Kris asked.

"I need to talk to Sam," Dean said. Kris nodded. "We're going up to that castle thing of his."

"Oh, you mean the fortress that no human survives and dies by a slow and painful death or goes to the guillotine?" She asked. Lauren nodded.

"Oh, cool. Count me in."

_It never came to the corner of First and Amistad_

They continued through the half destroyed city, the blood red sky casting an eerie glow.

"Does the sky always look like that?" Dean asked.

"Yeah. All over the world. All day. It's worse at sunset."

_Lost and insecure, you found me, you found me_

"Kris, did you say 'guillotine' a minute ago?" Bobby asked.

"Yep. You haven't heard 'bout that?" She said. Bobby shook his head.

"Guillotine?" Dean said, incredulous. Lauren shivered.

"Yeah, that thing's killed more people than they did in the whole French Revolution." Kris said. Dean grimaced. His brother had done all of this. Had killed so many. And had done it with a smile. Lauren saw his discomfort and touched his shoulder.

_Lyin' on the floor surrounded, surrounded_

"Hey when-" Kris began to ask; Bobby interrupted by throwing his hand in front of her chest to stop her, slamming her into a wall.

"Shh!" Dean and Lauren backed against the wall as well, guns held up. Slow footsteps echoed around the empty street, getting closer and closer to their shadowed hiding spot. Bobby turned to them.

"One," He mouthed. "Two…" They jumped around the corner, meeting someone else with a gun.

"AAAAHHHHH!" They screamed.

"Wait a second!" Lauren shouted over them, stepping in front of her husband. "Maggie?"

_Why'd you have to wait? Where were you? Where were you?_

"Holy shit," Maggie said, her dark brown eyes wide. "Hey…Lauren." Lauren's jaw was set, her eyes hard and icy. In a flash of movement her hand managed to fly across Maggie's cheek.

_Just a little late. You found me, you found me_

"What was that for?!" Maggie bellowed.

"'What was that for?!'" Lauren screamed. "Are you kidding me?! You vanished into nothing less than two weeks after He came and took my daughter! I didn't know if Sam might've had you taken, or if you were dead or what! You were just gone!"

"I thought you'd be okay." Maggie mumbled.

"Okay?! My husband was in the deepest corner of Hell and my brother-in-law beat the shit out of me and took my baby! Then my best friend abandons me! Yeah, I was just great Margaret."

_In the end everyone ends up alone_

Maggie looked at the ground.

"At least the man you love isn't the evil psychopath number one." She said.

"At least yours was still breathing!"

_Losing her, the only one who's ever known_

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Lauren. I just needed some time."

"And what the hell are you doin' out here?" Lauren spat.

"I was gonna try and talk to Sam," She said. "Maybe talk some sense into his evil head."

"What a coincidence, so were we." Dean said. Maggie looked at him, just noticing that he was there.

"DEAN!" She squealed and jumped at him, hugging him so tightly he couldn't breathe.

_The only one who's known who I am_

"Maggs, I, I need air!" Dean gasped. Maggie let go.

"Sorry," She said. She turned her attention back to Lauren. "And I'm sorry, Lauren."

_Who I was, who I wanna be. No way to know_

Lauren still hadn't moved.

"Lauren, please. I know that I shouldn't have ditched you like that. I shouldn't have left you when you needed me. And nothing I do will make up for that. But can you please, please forgive me?"

_How long she'll be next to me_

Lauren sighed.

"I can't hate you forever," She said. Maggie grinned. "And we're headed in the same direction anyway."

"Thank you!" Maggie squealed, hugging her friend. Lauren hugged her back, smiling lightly.

_Lost and insecure you found me, you found me_

"I don't get girls." Dean mumbled.

"Me either," Kris said. Bobby snorted. "We should probably skedaddle. I don't know about the rest of ya but I'd like to keep my head."

_Lyin' on the floor surrounded, surrounded_

They could see it now, a large, black silhouette against the menacing sky. The street was empty except for the debris lying everywhere on the asphalt.  
"Oh my God." Lauren whispered, looking down at the ground in horror.

_Why'd you have to wait? Where were you, where were you?_

Dean's eyes grew at the sight of the carnage. Sam did this. His little brother had murdered all of these people.

"He made Caitlyn do this." Maggie said absently. Dean's eyes now smoldered at all he looked at. Strike that. His little brother made his baby girl kill all of these people.

_Just a little late you found me, you found me _

Lauren covered her mouth and tears filled her eyes when she saw the children lying among the dead. A lifeless child lied next to her, eyes wide with terror and clouded over, blood in her wispy curls of blonde hair. She was no more than three years old. She bent down and shut the baby's eyes.

_Early morning the city breaks_

Dean turned Lauren away from the dead child and followed Bobby, Kris and Maggie further down the road. They could make out the details of the fortress now.

"Hey, Baby?" Dean said. Lauren looked up at him. "Where's the Impala?" She and Maggie winced. Dean flexed his jaw. "He has my car too." He mumbled, shaking his head. Man this was a shitty day.

_I've been calling for years and years and years and years and years _

_And you never left me no messages_

It would only be a matter of time before the guards and soldiers saw them.

"What do you think they'll do to us when we reach the Emerald City?" Dean asked.

"I don't know, but it won't be pretty, Scarecrow." Kris said.

_Ya never send me no letters_

"That makes you the Lion!" Dean retaliated.

"I call the Tin Man!" Maggie said. Lauren sighed and turned to Bobby.

"That makes you Toto." It was gallows humor, they knew that. They knew that there was a very slight chance that they would leave this place alive.

_You got some kinda nerve, taking all my world_

They were at the driveway, and they were definitely being noticed now.

Dean grasped Lauren's hand, sensing her tension. She felt that the closer they got the closer she was to losing Dean again. And this time there would be no Castiel to save him.

"I'm going with you to talk to Sam." She said firmly. He didn't argue.

_Lost and insecure you found me, you found me_

"We'll get your kid." Kris said. Bobby and Maggie nodded.

"I think they noticed we're not demons." Dean said. Lauren swallowed and shifted her grip on his hand.

_Lyin' on the floor surrounded, surrounded_

Guns took aim at the top of guard towers. Dean pushed Lauren behind him in an effort to keep her safe.

"Ya think they're happy to see us?" Kris asked.

"This was a bad idea." Dean said. He regretted putting Lauren in danger like this. Hell, he regretted putting all of them in danger like this. But he had to see Sam. He had to live on that small hope that his brother was still in there somewhere. And that's why he was here. For Sammy.

_Why'd you have to wait?_

"Hold your fire!" A demon said, stepping through the massive gates. He was a small man, very small. 5'5 small. Kris looked up at the gates and whistled, but her whistle turned into a snicker when she saw the man walking toward them.

"Who are you?" He asked. Lauren stepped from behind Dean.

"Lauren Winchester." She said. The demon stepped back, knowing his orders.

"And the rest of you?" He said.

"Bobby Singer, Kris Bittner and Maggie Allshire." Bobby said. The demon looked at Dean and stepped forward in a condescending manner, brandishing his gun. The top of his head barely came up to Dean's chin.

"And who the hell are you?" He sneered. Dean glared at him, leaning down in his face.

"Dean Winchester." He growled.

_Where were you?_

The demon's black eyes grew.

"Holy shit…it's true." He said, his voice suddenly small.

_Where were you?_

"Yeah it is. Now go tell my brother I'm here." Dean said dangerously. The demon turned and darted out of sight.

* * *

_Just a little late_

"What do you want?" Sam snapped when the guard came in.

"It's D-Dean, sir. He's outside." He stammered. The room froze, waiting for Sam to explode in anger and possibly kill someone. On the contrary, he burst into laughter.

"Already, well I am impressed. Send him in. Wait! Who's with him?" Sam asked.

_You found me_

"Lauren Winchester, Bobby Singer, Kris Bittner and Maggie Allshire." Sam winced at the mention of his ex-girlfriend's name. Ruby scowled.

"Send Dean and Lauren in here. Let the others roam as they please. Tell the inhabitants here to ignore the humans. If any of them are harmed the one responsible will answer to me.

_You found me_

The demon nodded and took off in the opposite direction.

"Lilith," Sam said. The little girl turned. "Get the rest of the court." The girl nodded and skipped out the doors. Some of the people in the room shook their heads.

"Do you want me to leave, Uncle Sam?" Caitlyn asked.

_Why'd you have to wait?_

Sam smiled.

"No, Caitlyn, you stay right here." He said. She nodded.

"Sam, do you think this is a good idea?" Ruby whispered, leaning toward him. Sam chuckled and shook his head.

"I aged her sixteen years, Ruby. There is no way they will recognize her."

_To find me_

She sighed and straightened up.

Sam smiled and folded his hands across his lap, waiting patiently. To see Dean again. This reunion was going to be quite fun for him. And none of the humans that entered this fortress of his would leave alive. Dean especially included.

_To find me_


	7. This is Halloween

7

**This is Halloween**

**Marilyn Manson**

_Boys and girls of every age_

The people who came in were unimpressive. I kept wondering why Uncle Sam thought they were so important.

"Nice to see you, Dean." Uncle Sam said. Dean smirked.

"Likewise, Sam." His said. His voice deep and gruff. Something was strangely familiar about this man, and the woman that was with him.

_Wouldn't you like to see something strange?_

"How long have you been out?"Uncle Sam asked.

"You know damn good and well how long it's been!" Dean snapped. My eyes grew, as did everyone else's in the room. Most people that talked to my Uncle like that were dead before they reached their next breath. But Uncle Sam chuckled, easing the tension in the room.

"You haven't changed at all," He said. "I thought Hell might shut you up a little, but I guess I was wrong."

_Come with us and you will see, this our town of Halloween_

Hell. This man had been to Hell, so he must be a demon. But he didn't look happy to see my uncle, like most demons were. He actually looked pretty pissed off.

"Who're your friends, Sam?" Dean asked through gritted teeth. Uncle Sam smiled but said nothing.

"Dean, you're such a silly goose!" Lilith said, smiling broadly, making her chubby cheeks bunch up. Dean glared at her, hate deep and strong in his eyes.

"You have some friends here too, boy." Said Alastair. Though the hate remained in his eyes, Dean looked fearful now.

"Alastair." He breathed.

_This is Halloween, this is Halloween. Pumpkins scream in the dead of night_

"Yes," Uncle Sam said. "And Ruby, and Uriel-"

The woman stiffened.

"You're an angel!" She exclaimed.

"We all have our hobbies, Lauren." Uriel said.

"That is little 'Ren, isn't it?"

_This is Halloween, everybody make a scene_

Lauren's face turned white.

"Nice to see you little sister," Lindsay said. "And you too, Dean. It's been awhile, huh?"

"Not long enough, you psychotic bitch!" Dean growled. I was confused. If these people were in fact demons they shouldn't be behaving this way. They shouldn't be acting so…human, really.

Why did Uncle Sam want to talk to them anyway? And when did Lindsay get a sister?

_Trick or treat 'til the neighbors gonna die of fright_

"And Azazel, of course," Uncle Sam said, gesturing to the yellow-eyed man behind him. By the looks of him, I thought Dean might puke. "And I think you'll remember his daughter quite well." Meg stepped forward, grinning.

_It's our town, everybody scream in this town of Halloween_

Dean shook his head, utterly horrified at the scene before him. He didn't seem to notice Uncle Sam hadn't introduced me. I wondered why that was. Maybe I wasn't important enough.

"What the hell happened to you, Sam?" He asked. "How long did Dad spend trying to find this asshole?" He gestured to Mr. Azazel. "We kill him and then you go and bring him back?! He killed Mom, Sam!" My brows creased. Did that mean Dean was related to me? Well, at least that explained why he looked so much like me.

_I am the one hiding under your bed. Teeth ground sharp and eyes glowing red_

"And Jess! You remember her, right?" Dean continued. Uncle Sam remained unfazed. Dean shook his head.

"God, you aren't even my brother anymore." He said. The words were strange to me. They meant something much more than the fact that I had an uncle I didn't know about.

_I am the one hiding under your stairs. Fingers like snakes and spiders in my hair_

"Mother," I whispered. "Does Uncle Sam have any other siblings?" She looked over her shoulder at me irritably.

"No, now be quiet." She snapped. I thought for a moment. I was getting more and more confused as this encounter lengthened. And my head hurt more and more as well. Dean didn't seem dangerous, or some sort of threat or even a demon. He didn't seem like he was part of Uncle Sam's usual crowd at all. But Uncle Sam said he had been to Hell.

_This is Halloween, this is Halloween. Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween_

And he looked so familiar. I felt like I'd met him somewhere before. And he really did look like me. A lot. It was bizarre. Really, really, really, bizarre.

_In this town we call home, everyone hail to the pumpkin song_

And if Uncle Sam was my uncle, did that mean Dean was..?

_In this town, don't we love it now?_

No. I didn't have parents. Uncle Sam said so. But he also had said things that I thought were bad were good. Like killing a toddler.

I looked down at my fingers, which were still bloodstained from Lilith's game.

_Everybody's waiting for the next surprise_

I never did like playing with her. I thought the way she played was mean, even though she assured me it wasn't.

'_Round that corner, man, hiding in the trash can _

_Something's waiting now to pounce and now you'll_

"I'm something much better now," Uncle Sam was saying. "I'm exactly what Dad warned you about. I'm evil, and I've killed the majority of the human population on Earth."

"And exploiting our daughter in the process!" Lauren bellowed. "You sick son of a bitch!"

"Wait…" I said quietly.

_Scream!_

I could see his face in front; a flashback of sorts.

Dean was smiling at me. I was above him; he was holding me up. His hands took up the majority of my body, so I must have been very small.

By the look on his face I meant a lot to him. And his smiled told me how happy he was. Not like now. Now he looked older, tired. Mostly in his eyes. But then it looked like nothing else could make him happier than to hold me,

_This is Halloween, red 'n' black and slimy green_

That's when it hit me, like a fuzzy memory from a drunken night. I gasped.

_Aren't you scared? Well that's just fine_

"Daddy?" I choked. The heat of his and Uncle Sam's argument vanished at the word. Dean looked up at me, and all the color drained from his face.

Lauren looked up at me as well, but her face turned red.

"Daddy?" I repeated.

_Say it once, say it twice_

Uncle Sam spun around, his expression full of shock and anger. I waited for him to speak, but he didn't. He turned back to his brother, my father.

Mother clenched her fists and glared at my uncle.

"I told you!" She hissed.

_Take a chance and roll the dice, ride with the moon in the dead of night_

"Caity?" Daddy said. "Oh my God, Caity?" No one had ever called me that. But he did. Somewhere in my mind I _knew_ he did. "I was only gone a year, right?" Lauren nodded.

_Everybody scream, everybody scream_

I remembered her too.

She was smiling at me, but it was forced and her eyes were wet. She was shushing me and bouncing up and down because I was crying. There was a loud bang that made her jump and hang onto me tighter. Anger filled her face and she backed away from the door.

I saw Uncle Sam saunter in with at least fifteen other demons behind him. He smiled at her.

"Are you going to hand her over or shall we do this the hard way?" Uncle Sam asked. She shook her head and tightened her grip on me even more.

_In our town of Halloween_

Uncle Sam snapped his fingers and the demons advanced on her. She set me down. I didn't want her to. I began to cry. The chaos in the room was unbearable. And I knew she was losing. Uncle Sam peered over me, smiling.

_I am the clown with the tear away face_._ Here in a flash and gone without a trace_

He lifted me up, tickling under my chin. I would have laughed, if not for her screams and grunts.

"Enough," Uncle Sam said. The demons filed out of the room. "I don't lose, Lauren. Ever." He turned, hoisting me up on his shoulder. I don't think he was aware that I could see her.

_I am the who when you call, "Who's there?"_

She was bloodied almost beyond recognition and crying: "Not my baby! Please, Sam, not my baby!"

I looked at her now, her face blood free but her eyes were colder than I remembered.

"Mommy?" I said, barely daring to. She made an attempt to smile at me, but rage returned to her face as she looked at Uncle Sam, who had remained rigid. I turned to him. I was angry, hurt, betrayed and ashamed that I had let him use me.

_I am the wind blowing through your hair_

Hot tears welled in my eyes but I refused to let them fall. Uncle Sam always said I was unbearably stubborn.

Mother, I mean Ruby, tried to block me. I shoved her out of the way.

"You lied to me!" I said darkly. "You evil son of a bitch, you lied to me!"

"Don't you _dare_ talk back to me!" He thundered, standing.

"Shut the hell up!" Both Daddy and I yelled. He snorted.

"I could have made you eighty five and you _still_ would have acted exactly like him."

_I am the shadow on the moon at night, filling your dreams to the brim with fright_

"At least I don't act like you!" I screamed.

I'd killed people for him. I'd one anything and everything he had asked me to, asking for nothing in return. And he lied to me like this.

_This is Halloween, this is Halloween_

_Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween_

"Caitlyn, don't speak to him that way!" Ruby yelled.

"This doesn't concern you, Mother!" I spat. "But then again, you aren't my mother, are you?"

"Let her go, Sam," Daddy said dangerously. "She could kill you in an instant, there's no point." Uncle Sam laughed out loud.

"She's just being rebellious, Dean. You know how teenagers are. She'll get over it, won't you Caitlyn?" He said threateningly.

_Tender lumplings everywhere, life's no fun without a good scare_

The life I remembered clearly had been soaked in darkness. My only playmate had been a sadistic little girl. The people I had come to know were demons and vampires, werewolves and ghouls. But my parents were humans. Scum, low-life's, dirt and filth. I was just fine with that. If you had to be scum to be good, then I'd take scum.

_That's our job, but we're not mean. In our town of Halloween_

"She's not staying here with you." Mommy said firmly.

"You want her?" Uncle Sam asked in a booming voice. "Take her. If you can get through me you can have her." Daddy looked at the floor. That wasn't fair. Uncle Sam could kill Lilith if he wanted to. Daddy would be too easy.

_In this town, don't we love it now? Everybody's waiting for the next surprise_

"What if I can get through you?" I asked, clenching my fists. He scoffed.

"You'd be easier to kill than him."

_Skeleton Jack might catch you in the back and scream like a banshee and make you jump out of your skin_

"Go ahead and touch her, Sam." Daddy growled.

"Ruby, get her out of here." Uncle Sam said. Ruby turned and grabbed my arm.

"I'm not going anywhere." I said, jerking away from her.

"Caitlyn, leave with Ruby, now." Uncle Sam said sharply. I stuck my chin out.

"Make me."

_This is Halloween, everybody scream_

For a moment I thought Uncle Sam was going to hit me. And Daddy thought so too. His muscles tensed and he took a step forward. Mommy put her hand on his shoulder to stop him from going any further. Uncle Sam sneered at me.

"Get the hell out of here now or I'll kill them as quickly as you know I can. Or as slow." Alastair grinned. I tried not to shudder.

_Won't you please make way for a very special guy?_

I looked at my parents, the ones I barely knew, and even so I felt a pang hit my heart at the thought of not seeing them again, or knowing they were gone. I glowered at Uncle Sam, hating him for the first time in my life, which has apparently been very short.

_Our man Jack is king of the pumpkin patch_

Because of him my life had been a 24-7 Halloween. It was darkness and evil that I thought was right. That I thought I didn't fit into and tried so hard to be like the people around me. But was I evil to? Not if I walked out of this room so Sam didn't kill my parents. I looked at the ground, defeated.

_Everyone hail to the Pumpkin King now_

Ruby tugged my arm, trying to guide me toward the back door. I looked at Mommy and Daddy again.

_This is Halloween, this is Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween, Halloween_

"The rest of you leave as well." Sam barked. The demons walked past them, some smiling, some scowling.

Uncle Sam sat back down, looking down at them.

_In this town, we call home_

"You son of a bitch!" Lauren yelled. Uncle Sam smiled. Nothing was ever good when he grinned like that.

_Everyone hail to the pumpkin song_

"Now, Lauren, you're being so mean and nasty when we have such a lovely history together," He said maliciously. "One that your darling husband doesn't know about."

_La, la, la_

_La, la, la_

_La, la_

_La, la, la_

_La, la, la_

_La, la, la_

_La, la, la_

Mommy's eyes grew and she shook her head.

"No, Sam, don't!"

"What is he talking about?" Daddy asked.

The last thing I heard before the door closed was Uncle Sam's manic laughter.

_Whee!_

--More soon!--


	8. Thanks for the Memories

8

**Thnks fr th Mmrs**

**(Thanks for the Memories)**

**Fall Out Boy**

_I'm gonna make it bend and break (It sent you to me without wings)_

Sam threw his head back and laughed. I shook my head, knowing he would ignore me and there was no stopping what he was about to say.

Dean was looking back and forth between us, confused and a little scared.

"You didn't tell him," Sam stated, still chortling. "How irresponsible of you, Lauren."

"Shut up, Sam." I growled.

"Lauren, what?" Dean asked. I couldn't do it. I couldn't tell him this, not this. It wasn't even supposed to happen. Even now I don't know why it happened.

Sam was talking but I wasn't listening. I was remembering.

_Say your prayers but let the good times roll, in case God doesn't show_

_(Let the good times roll, let the good times roll)_

Sam had taken off. Maggie was a mess because he had left. I was going to talk to him, to tell him how badly Maggie missed him, how much she needed him. But she wouldn't talk to him herself, she was too proud.

But I would. I wouldn't let this be ruined because of something stupid. I was going to find out what Sam's problem was.

He wasn't hard to find. I knew him almost as well as Dean did. Sam made it too easy. I think he might've wanted me to find him. I asked the guy at the counter which room it was, giving the excuse that I was his cousin and needed to talk to him about a family emergency. Works every time.

_And I want these words to make things right_

I knocked on the door and waited patiently, trying to focus on helping Sam. If I let my mind wander it would go back to Dean. He was gone, I had to accept that. I had to accept that I would never see him again. But I couldn't. How could I?

I loved him and missed him so much that I couldn't see life without him. I had thought several times about trying to join him. But that asshole Castiel won't leave me alone, and I have my daughter to worry about.

Sam opened the door, his eyes red, swollen and wet.

"Hey, Sam."

_But it's the wrongs that make the words come to life_

He turned and walked back into the room, leaving the door open for me to follow. I walked in, gently closing it behind me.

Bottles of Daniel's littered the small table in the corner, and a half full bottle rested on the nightstand. Sam sat on the side of the bed and grabbed it, taking a long swig before he looked at me.

"What do you want?" He asked. His voice was hoarse and gravelly. I sat down next to him. He looked away from me. "Don't look at me like that." He mumbled.

"Like what?" I asked.

"Pity. Don't pity me, Lauren." He said. I looked at the floor.

"Sorry," I said. "Why'd you take off Sam?"

"I don't want Maggie looking at me the way you just did. I don't want her to see me like this." He said quietly. He went to take another drink and I took the bottle away from him, taking his hand.

"_Who does he think he is?"_

"I miss him too," I said. "I miss him a lot. But running is not the way to go. Maggie needs you, she loves you. And you don't see me running anywhere. I have a daughter that counts on me for everything. You have people that count on you too. Dean wouldn't want you to be this way, Sam. This is the last thing he would want for you." I assured.

"I don't know what to do, Lauren. He's not there anymore…I told him I would save him, Lauren. I promised! And now he's in Hell. All kinds of terrible things are happening to him and I can't do anything to stop it." I had never seen Sam cry like this before. I hugged him, letting him sob into my shoulder. Tears leaked from my own eyes and I rested my cheek against his neck.

_If that's the worst you've got better put your fingers back to the keys_

"I miss him so much." He cried. I lifted his chin, smiling lightly.

"But you're not alone, Sam." I said.

I'm not sure how it happened. And I'm not sure why, but one second I was looking at him, the next, he was kissing me.

_One night and one more time_

And I was kissing him back. I didn't realize until later that I wasn't doing this because I wanted Sam. I was doing this because he was the closest thing to Dean that I had. But I didn't know that then.

His hands were on my waist, gripping me tightly. His lips turned from sweet to vicious in an instant. It was something I wasn't used to.

_Thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great_

My fingers tangled in his hair, long and soft tendrils tangling between them. This wasn't what I wanted. What I wanted I couldn't have, ever again.

_He tastes like you, only sweeter_

I continued to kiss what was foreign to me as he pulled my shirt over my head. His arms wrapped around my shoulders, constricting me to him, his lips crushing against mine. His grip only loosened when he took off his shirt. Then his hot skin was pressing against my own again.

_One night and one more time, thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories_

Soon he was over me, kissing and biting my neck. I pulled at his hair and touched his face, smooth and soft, once again, not an ounce of stubble in sight. My heart ached.

Sam kissed me again, his tongue tangling in mine. His hands slid over my body, grasping my arms and holding me down. My hands gently ran down his back. Nothing happened.

_He, He tastes like you, only sweeter, oh_

I tilted my head back and shut my eyes, focusing on the feel of his lips on my neck. I bit his lower lip when he kissed me again. He growled. I moaned against his lips. He started to rock back and forth. I gripped his shoulders, my nails digging into his back.

_I'm lookin' forward to the future, but my eyesight is going bad_

He moaned and kissed me again. I could taste the salt from his sweat slick lips. I gasped and groaned, dragging my fingers down his back so hard I drew blood. It seemed to excite him more.

_And this crystal ball. It's always cloudy except for (except for) _

It didn't seem to be real. Just the other day he was like a little brother to her. Now…

_When you look into the past_

He moved faster, my breath quickened. Sweat dripped over the both of us. The air in the room turned hot. The only sounds in the room were our heavy, frantic breaths and moans.

"Sam!" I choked.

_One night stand_

_One night stand, oh!_

I slept in his arms that night, my cheek against his chest. When I woke up the next morning he was gone. And I was glad. That was one morning after that I could do without.

_One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great_

I shook my head and I was back in the vast room, Dean by my side, Sam sitting above us. And he was still talking. I turned to Dean and my heart cracked. With each word Sam said his face grew more and more exposed with vulnerability.

_He tastes like you, only sweeter_

"…And do you know how good it was to hear her scream my name?" Sam grinned. Dean winced and looked at the floor. I could see the tears in his eyes.

_One night, yeah and one more time, thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories_

"Sam, stop!" I said. He giggled.

"Why, Lauren?" He asked, cocking his head to the side. "We had _so_ much fun, didn't we?" Dean looked up at me, his face completely naked.

"Now I know why you like her so much, Dean." Sam said.

"Shut THE FUCK UP, SAM!" I bellowed. Dean looked away from me. I touched his shoulder. "Dean, please, I-" He gently pulled away from me, looking at the floor.

_They say I only think in the form of crunching numbers_

Sam was still talking, giving every detail with crude and vivid description. I wanted to run up there and hit him as hard as I could over and over again to make him stop, but I couldn't.

_In hotel rooms, collecting page six lovers_

"You know, I wanted her first, Dean. But as usual, you called 'dibs' on her. Otherwise she was mine."

I was outraged. I was beyond outraged, and it only increased when I saw the tears slowly working their way down Dean's cheeks.

_Get me out of my mind_

Sam smiled at me and looked down, admiring his handiwork.

"You are so lucky that you're all powerful." I growled. He smiled at me, looking me up and down.

_And get you out of those clothes_

_I'm a liner away from getting you into the mood_

"Lauren, you loved every second of it, didn't you?" He said, smiling smugly. I glared at him, thinking about cussing him out until I couldn't breathe anymore. But my intelligence told me otherwise. I smirked at him.

_One night and one more time, thanks for the memories even though they weren't so great_

"Sam," I said, shaking my head, looking amused, I hoped. "There are two things you should know about that night. One, the entire time you had your hands on me I was thinking about him."

_He tastes like you only sweeter_

"And two, I faked it."

_One night and one more time, thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories_

Sam's gaze darkened. I returned his glower with a smirk worthy of Dean.

Dean…

I turned and looked at him. He wouldn't look back at me. I'd never felt so ashamed. I wanted him to yell at me. Scream, cuss me out. Tell me he was going to leave. Tell me that he could never forgive me for what I had done.

But he didn't. Of course he didn't. He wouldn't. He never would. He was blaming himself right now. He would find some way, some how to make this his fault.

I reached out to him, but dropped my hand. Why couldn't he hate me?

_He, he tastes like you, only sweeter_

"You know lying is a sin, Lauren." Sam said.

"Don't be so full of yourself you sadistic son of a bitch!" I snapped. "I'd like to see you tell Maggie about this." Sam said nothing. I nodded.

"Yeah, that's what I thought. You might be the most powerful thing on Earth but you're still a coward." I said. Sam shook his head.

"Big mistake, Lauren," He said. "I was going to let Dean die quickly." Sam snapped his fingers and the doors opened. I stepped closer to Dean. He stepped in front of me. Four demons came in. Two for him, two for me. And Alastair came in behind them. He was for Dean as well. Dean tensed when he saw him, stepping back a little closer to me.

"Take the woman to the guillotine with the other one. Alastair, you get him." Sam said. Dean swallowed. His hands were shaking.

_One night and one more time (One more night, one more time) Thanks for the memories_

The demons advanced; Dean braced himself in a desperate act of protection. The demon pulled out a baton and drove it hard into Dean's stomach. He fell forward and they hit him again before he could even try to fight back. I lunged at them, but two others darted behind me and grabbed my arms, dragging me away from him. The other two picked him up. Alastair was talking to Dean but I couldn't hear what he was saying. I struggled against them but they were too strong.

"Don't kill him. I'll do it myself, thank you." Sam said, smiling first at Dean, then at me.

_Even though they weren't so great. He tastes like you, only sweeter_

He was taking him away from me again. No. I wouldn't let him. No.

"Let go of me!" I said, writhing, kicking, doing whatever I could to get them to let go of me. Nothing I did fazed him.

_One night, yeah, and one more time, thanks for the memories, thanks for the memories_

Dean was being dragged in the opposite direction, also fighting the people taking him away from me. At least he was making an impact. He was almost to the door.

"NO!" He bellowed.

"DEAN!" I yelled. We looked at each other, not knowing what the last words to say to each other were. "I love you!"

"I fo-" The door slammed shut in front of me before he could finish. Dean was gone. Completely and utterly gone. I had him and I had let him be taken from me again.

Sam didn't have the satisfaction of breaking us up, that made me a little happier. And the one thing that kept me from going absolutely insane was that this time, I would be with Dean when I died.

_He, he tastes like you, only sweeter_

--By a show of hands, who saw that coming, huh? : D Feedback, please!--


	9. It's Not Supposed to go Like That

9

**It's Not Supposed to Go like That**

**Rascal Flatts**

_Tommy found his Daddy's gun, and Joey'd never seen one_

The darkness in the room disappeared as the door opened. A man stood in the doorway, his shape nothing but a silhouette, and he threw something in the room with me. Someone. A woman, as I made from the quick observation. Then they took the light away again. She was breathing deeply and unevenly, like she was weeping.

"Are you alright?" I asked. If this was the last person I was going to speak to before I perished, I would like to know who she was.

I heard movement, movement that came closer to me. I could barely see her outline, but I could tell she was directly in front of me.

"Cas?" The woman said. I recognized her voice now.

"Lauren," I breathed. "Why are you here?"

_Real cowboy all dressed up as he held it in his hand_

"Dean, he, he needed to talk to Sam." She said. I nodded.

"We knew he would." I said, inhaling sharply when a cut on my shoulder throbbed.

"Are you okay?" Lauren asked. I felt her hand on my face. She took it away, undoubtedly finding the blood trickling down my cheek from my eye.

"What happened to you?" She whispered.

_Said, "You be good and I'll be bad", then he pulled the trigger back_

"Where is Dean now?" I asked, deriving from the subject of my well being. She inhaled, shuddering as she did so.

"With Alastair," She said quietly. She began weeping again. I didn't blame her. I felt myself shiver. "Now what happened to you?" She sniffed.

"I was given to Alastair as well," I said, keeping my voice even. "I've been here since yesterday."

_Stopped little Tommy in his tracks and said, "Get up man"_

"How did they get you?" She asked. I looked at the floor.

"Uriel," I whispered. "He deceived me. He told me that Sam had Dean and we had to get him out. Alastair and some other demons ambushed me when we arrived. Sam wanted to know why I retrieved Dean from Hell."

"Did you tell them?" She asked.

"No." I said.

_People came from miles to say goodbye to the Wilson's youngest son_

She touched my face again. I welcomed it. It was a definite change from knives and scorching pokers.

"Thank you." She said.

"I would not betray my charge." I said simply. Hopefully she would understand that. She did.

"Why did you take Dean outta Hell?" She asked.

"To stop Sam. And Lucifer, if need be," I said. I wished I could get my voice louder. "But since he went to Alastair…"

I shut my eyes. This wasn't supposed to happen. Not like this. Before Sam Winchester came into power there were six billion humans on this Earth. That number had dwindled down to 25,000. There was nothing we could do. We tried harder than we ever had. There were some that questioned why we would interfere, but otherwise, we tried. We were strong. Sam was stronger. And when he gained total power we had to stand by and watch the carnage.

People like Uriel thought it justice that these humans suffer for their continual sin. I tried to point out that the Messiah had died so that they may repent, and some did.

_His innocent life had just begun_

I could not deny that humans had murdered, raped, broke every commandment written by God for them. But watching these children of God, young, old, being slaughtered by that of true evil…

_It's not supposed to go like that_

Several of us wanted to annihilate Sam Winchester, but I had hope. Such hope that there was another way. That somehow someone could stop him without any more blood being spilled.

I had been trying to get to Dean previously when Sam and Lilith started breaking seals to bring Lucifer out. And I soon learned from Lauren that Dean was the only one that could stop Sam. He could stop the genocide, the murder, the obliteration of mankind by simply speaking to his brother.

I was wrong.

_It's not intended to end that way_

Now Dean was being put through the same kind of torture he had endured in Hell all over again. Because of my assumption. If I could go back I would lock Dean in a room where he could never get out, not until we dealt with Sam accordingly.

But I didn't have that ability here. I didn't have any of my powers here. I'm unsure how Sam accomplished this, but it is irrelevant.

"Dean could still stop this, Cas," Lauren said optimistically. "Sam said he would kill Dean himself there may be a chance-"

"Sam is heartless, Lauren," I interrupted. "He won't listen to anything Dean says. Anything that was human in Sam is now gone."

_Life is a journey, constantly turning down an unknown path_

I paused. I could see the pain in her face in the dim light.

"I'm sorry," I said. "Just because my hope has been diminished doesn't mean I should take away yours." I had not right to do such a thing. Not when faith was the last thing Lauren had to hang onto. I bowed my head, ashamed. She touched my cheek again.

"Why don't you just blip out of here like you guys usually do?" She asked quietly.

"I can't," I said. "Believe me I have tried." I adjusted my wrists, which were burning from the rope that bound them behind me. For an operation of this magnitude rope was oddly primitive.

"He's going to kill you too." She said.

"This won't kill me."

She shuddered.

Why did she have to die? I was told years ago to grant her the visions she had, that she was blessed. And now she was going to die in such a crude way. They were going to, as they put it, make her head roll.

_But it's not supposed to go like that_

And mine as well. Jimmy would be killed but I wouldn't. I would be trapped in this body.

I would feel the pain and continue to feel it if my form kept the body alive. I might be able to leave it.

I tried not to smile at the prosperity that I might make Sam and all who were watching go blind.

_Jimmy had his daddy's car and the keys to Jenny's heart_

"Why does Dean have to stop Lucifer?" Lauren asked. "Sam I can understand, but Satan? Why?" I looked down. I couldn't tell her this. Not this. She saw Dean in such a loving light. I didn't want to take that away from her too.

"You don't want to know, Lauren." I said truthfully.

"Cas, please, I can take it." I shook my head.

"Lauren, I don't think you can." I said.

"Castiel, please." She pleaded. I couldn't deny her simple information. Ask and you shall receive, right?

_Fifth of whiskey on the floorboard almost gone_

"After ninety years in Hell, Dean could no longer endure. He could not take another bit of torture. Alastair had made him an offer day after day after day that he could get off of the rack if he put souls on. After ninety years…he gave in. He tortured people for twenty years," I paused, wanting anything but to continue. "Sixty six seals must be broken for Lucifer to walk free. The last is the murder of Lilith. But the first…'When a righteous man spills blood in Hell so shall it break'. " She gasped quietly.

_Havin the time of their life, had only one thing on their mind_

"Dean broke the first seal. And the one who starts it must finish it. That's why Dean has to stop Lucifer. He's the only one that can."

She was crying. I had done this to her. And I felt terrible for it.

"W-what about the last ten?" She asked softly.

"Dean refused to do it anymore. He would rather go through the excruciating things Alastair put him through than hurt anyone." She wept harder.

Relief possibly?

_Never saw the flashing lights or the train comin' on_

"I'm sorry, Lauren." I said truthfully. She shook her head.

"I don't blame you. Or him. I just…" She was in shock.

"I don't blame him either." I said. Pain hit me like lightning, blinding me for a brief moment. I cried out and fell on my side, unable to control the actions. I felt her warm hands lift my head into her lap.

_Now there's a wreath and two small crosses on the right side of the road_

_Reminders of a love that won't grow_

"Cas, are you okay?" She asked frantically.

"I can't heal. But I can't die." I said.

"Sam took all of that away from you." She stated. I nodded.

_It's not supposed to go like that_

_It's not intended to end that way_

We weren't betting on this. Even the archangels did not think that Sam Winchester would be the demise of humanity.

Demon blood made him stronger, faster. He drained several demons at once to gain an immeasurable amount of power in a short amount of time.

There was so much we didn't count on, so much we didn't think would happen. We were blind. We would never make that mistake again. If there was an again. After Sam had made the human race extinct he could start on us next, and anything else good that was in this world. We had no idea. And without angels, it might as well be Lucifer in that chair in that large room.

_Life is a journey, constantly turning down an unknown path _

_But it's not supposed to go like that_

My faith had dwindled to nothing. As I hung there, shackled and my chest bared, being tortured for information I swore not to give, I prayed. I begged my father to help me. To save me. And he did not. Why didn't he save one of his angels? Why did he allow one of his children to become such a monster? Why did he let nearly all of his children die and remain silent? Why? Why? Why?!

I felt tears in my eyes at the memory of the carnage. The children's dead eyes. The infants that screamed when their mothers were taken away for the slaughter. And how that screaming stopped when a demon threw them. In Lauren's arms, I wept.

_I wonder if Guardian Angels cry when they see it all played out_

And Dean. Dean did nothing to go to Hell. He saved his brother from Death. And this is how Sam repaid him for his sacrifice. Dean did nothing to deserve being handed back to Alastair as the literal lamb of the slaughter. It wasn't right. God would not want this. But could I do anything to stop it? No.

_And as they stand with their hands tied_

Was I worried about my own demise, no. I could care less about myself. I only wished there was a way to save Jimmy. But he would be at peace when it was over. In Heaven.

Such suffering, such pain and agony. Such horrible things that Sam had done. He made his niece murder thousands when she trusted him so fully. She was just a child. Innocent. My silent cries turned to sobs.

_Do they cry out loud?_

"It's alright, Cas," Lauren soothed. "It's gonna be alright. We're gonna get out of this."

She would. I doubted I would. The suffering would continue whether we could fix this or not.

I wasn't sure if there even was a "we" anymore. Uriel was a traitor, Zachariah simply decided to sit idly by and watch the show. I'd never felt so alone. Never.

_It's not supposed to go like that_

This wasn't how it was supposed to be!

_No it's not supposed to go like that_

Why would we lose? How could we?

_No it's not supposed to go like that_

Where was God? Where was my father?

_No it's not supposed to go like that_

Doubt. Once I would have been severely punished for such blasphemy. And I was being punished. Was this God? Was this what he wanted? For me to be tortured for the rest of my eternal life? Was it?!

_Not it's not supposed, it's not supposed to go like that_

Why? Why? Why? Why?!

_No, no, no_

"Shh…" Lauren said, rubbing my forehead. "I don't know why, Castiel. I don't know." I had been speaking out loud. I didn't mean to.

A door on the other side of the room opened, the light bright and unyielding. We were being taken away now. They were going to kill us. An Angel and an innocent woman, who was right now seeing what was being done to her husband, I shut my eyes as they hauled me up.

_It's not supposed to go like that_


	10. Madame Guillotine

10

**Madame Guillotine**

**The Scarlet Pimpernel **

_I know the gutter and I know the stink of the streets_

Sam looked down from the balcony that looked over the crowd, the guillotine shining in the early morning light. He smiled as Lauren and the angel were hauled onto the platform.

The crowd screamed.

_Kicked like a dog I spat the bile of defeat_

A group of vampires up front grabbed at Lauren's ankles. She kicked out at them.

"Aw, c'mere, pretty!" One cackled. She went to kick them again but a guard pulled her back, throwing her into Castiel. They both fell.

_All you beauties who towered above me, you who gave me the smack of your rod_

Out in the light she could see how abused Castiel had been. His chest was covered in savage burns and black bruises, cuts so deep they almost scraped bone. There was a cut above his eye that was swollen and still bleeding. She scrambled up off of him, still unsure why she wasn't bound and he was. She looked up at Sam, her eyes smoldering.

_Now I give you the gutter, I give you the judgment of God!_

Sam grinned at her and looked at the blade again. That blade had ended many problems for him. People who had gotten in his way, people who had disappointed him, people who made him angry.

Killing Lauren was only right. Not only would it make him happy, but it would crush his brother like a strong fist. To know the one he loved was gone. He might even show him her severed head.

_Vengeance victorious, these are the glorious days_

The angel would not give him what he wanted. He didn't have the patience to try for so long. Not that it mattered anymore. Dean would be killed soon. And he would be back where he belonged. In Hell. Sam would make sure of it.

Castiel was swaying where he stood, his strength fading fast. Sam's smile broadened. On top of everything else he had accomplished in his rein, he had now broken an angel.

_Women of Paris, come gather your bloody bouquets_

The crowd looked up at them, hungry for blood. Their teeth were pulled back in snarls, wicked smiles on their faces.

They all knew who the girl was. Dean Winchester's woman, and as heatedly as they hated Dean they hated her. She looked down at them, disgust on her face.

Werewolves that were turned even though the moon was nowhere to be seen growled and snapped at her. Ghouls licked their lips at the prosperity of devouring her once the guillotine was through with her. And Sam considered obliging.

_Now gaze on our goddess of justice, with her shimmering, glimmering blade_

Witches cackled in a most clichéd way. Sam felt the paled hairs on his neck and arms stand on end, goosebumps slithering down his spine in an attempt to make him shiver; he did not. It was merely the cool breeze of reapers standing on the edge of the horrific circle, waiting to accompany the victims to their death with complete indifference.

The crowd didn't see them as victims, innocent, not in any way. They saw traitors to their existence. Human and Angel. They threatened their own survival and therefore must be terminated.

_As she kisses these traitors she sings them a last serenade_

"WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE THEM DIE?!" Sam bellowed to the crowd below. He received a rousing chorus of bloodthirsty cries in agreement. The werewolves howled, the demons cheered, the vampires hissed, the ghouls laughed manically, and Sam chuckled.

_Sing, swing, savor the sting_

Castiel looked at the ghastly scene laid before him, the monsters reaching up at them like the darkened mass of Hell's underbelly. Their blazing eyes looking up at him, red or glowing inhumanly. He shuddered, wondering why the Lord had let things such as these walk the Earth for so long. He glanced at the guillotine. Would it be his demise? Or would it be something totally different? Something much worse than death.

_As she severs you, Madame Guillotine_

Castiel involuntarily fell to his knees, his trembling legs finally giving up as he had done hours before. Hope was nonexistent, faith meaningless. This was real. These horrible beings in front of him were real. Sam's black heart and omitted conscience was real. That red-stained blade…was real.

_Slice, come paradise, you'll be smitten with Madame Guillotine_

Sam grinned broadly when the angel fell, kneeling before him but not to him. Regardless, it was a pleasant thought. Lauren turned to the angel, her face paling when she saw, truly saw, how much damage Alastair had inflicted on him. Sam made a noise that could be accurately described as a giggle.

The sun had shifted, adding a golden glow to the sky that seemed to have absorbed the blood of the billions Sam had slaughtered.

_The world may be ugly, but each man must do what he must_

The executioner had walked onto the bloodied platform, his black hood up, faceless, nameless, identity a mystery to all but their ruler. Sam nodded to the man, knowing who would be under it when he did.

The hood came down and all saw his brother's face.

The crowd was instantly silent, shocked faces frozen in disbelief. Lauren had a fleeting moment of happiness, thinking she was saved. Castiel was not so easily deceived. His eyes grew with horror when he saw the look in the elder Winchester's eyes. He thought Alastair had gotten to Dean that quickly, had made him be so keen to do this so fast.

Lauren's hope faded from her face, her body and her eyes when she saw that silvery white glow flash in what she now recognized as a shapeshifter's eyes.

He smiled at Lauren flirtatiously. She shivered in disgust.

_Give in, pretty dear, in a year you'll be pretty dust_

Her eyes were daggers when she looked up at the Füehrer. She knew what he was doing. He was trying to abuse her mind, making her subconscious think that Dean was killing her. He grinned down at her as a response.

Castiel bowed his head, refusing to let his mind trick him into believing that Dean would do this to him and the woman he loved. Not that Dean had ever set eyes on him before.

Dean would not kill Lauren, not in any reality. Castiel understood that. He understood that this was a thing of darkness, not a human.

What he didn't understand was why he was thinking this way. Why he wasn't healing, and why he couldn't get away. This sort of behavior was something that Castiel was not…Human.

_Now come let our lady posses you, in her breathtaking, hair-raising bed_

Sam knew what he was thinking. He was wondering why he seemed to be mortal. Nothing special in the least. Just another person to which God remains powerless to. Human. The spell was in the rope that bound him. If it was removed he would have his powers back. The shackles he was placed in when Alastair had him possessed the same type of magic. Hell, the whole thing was Alastair's doing in the first place.

When he had asked him how it was done he simply said: "Dark magic far older than myself."

The crowd was roaring again -and had been since the shapeshifter's eyes flashed- and were begging for someone's head to fall onto the stage.

_She will tingle your spine as she captures your heart and your head_

"ARE YOU READY FOR THEM TO DIE?!"

The crowd roared again.

Sam nodded to the executioner again.

_Sing, swing, savor the sting_

_As she severs you, Madame Guillotine_

He roughly grabbed Lauren's shoulder, smiling Dean's gentle smile.

It eased her against her will. She came to her senses in a fraction of a second later and began to struggle violently, kicking and clawing any part of the shapeshifter's skin she could reach.

Sam sighed impatiently and made a fist, looking at the angel, his eyes glowing slightly brighter.

_Slice, come paradise, our Delilah will shave your razor clean_

Castiel cried out but soon he had no breath. He fell on his side, body wracked with spasms as he soundlessly gasped for air.

Lauren whipped around, leaving the now injured shapeshifter and watched the suffocating angel.

"Time to behave, Lauren!" Sam shouted, smiling. Castiel turned a violent shade of purple.

"ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT, PLEASE STOP IT!" Lauren screamed in despair. Sam unfolded his fingers. Castiel coughed and inhaled deeply. Lauren winced at the sight of his battered body struggling so fretfully. She would cooperate no matter what now.

The shapeshifter grabbed her again, the face of Dean now distorted from her damage inflicting nails.

Castiel struggled and managed to get himself back onto his knees. He looked up at the sky.

_God, when did man lose his reason?_

Waiting and searching for some sign.

_Save us, my God, if you're there_

He watched painfully as the monster shoved Lauren's head down, her neck resting in the crook of the wooden plank. The crowd screamed in approval.

Castiel was shaking with fear, fear they all saw, giving them yet another reason to laugh in God's face.

_God, can you not feel the terror like a fire in the air?_

The muscles of the crowd were tense, their jeers quieted in anticipation.

_Flash, slash! Glisten and gash!_

They looked up at the guillotine, as if the blade would fall by their will and not the man greater than any king that was positioned behind them.

_She will ravish you, Madame Guillotine_

Sam was ready for her to die. The foreplay was over, she was finished now. Soon that beautiful machine would take her.

He raised his arm.

_Split, Madame just bit_

Lauren turned her head away from the crowd toward Castiel. That was when she saw the rope. The rope that bore the odd symbols on it.

He was bound by the ropes. Without it, if she was correct, he would be free.

_Give her more to bite, she's a hungry Queen_

She focused with all her might on those ropes. She envisioned them snapping clean in half.

Snap, snap, snap, SNAP!

_Sing_

She heard it then, her head pounding. But she had done it.

Castiel looked at her, bewildered.

"Run!" Lauren yelled. The crowd cheered on, tired of the quiet and growing restless.

Sam paused, noticing the communication between the prisoners.

"Cas, GO!" And the angel was gone.

The crowd gasped and turned to Sam immediately.

_Savor the sting_

He did not appreciate being made fool of in front of so many people. His face filled with blood, seething.

He glared down at Lauren, wanting more than anything to snap her neck then and there. He raised his arm again, smiling at her.

"DO IT SAM!"

_As she severs you, Madame Guillotine_

Sam paused again.

"GIVE ME WHAT I WANT! DEAN'S DEAD, WHY WOULD I WANT TO LIVE?!"

"What makes you think he's dead?" He asked.

"WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU KEEP HIM ALIVE THIS LONG? C'MON SAM, KILL ME!" She was laughing wildly, staring at him all the while.

_Slice, come paradise_

"He's not dead, Lauren!" Sam yelled.

"PROVE IT!"

_Hail her Majesty!_

Sam said nothing.

"THEN KILL ME!"

The blade came down.

_Madame Guillotine!_


	11. You Ain't Woman Enough

11

**You Ain't Woman Enough**

**Loretta Lynn**

_You've come to tell me something you say I ought to know_

Kris, Bobby and I had been walking around this place for hours. I never knew so many monsters would be united for the same reason.

We rounded a corner, hearing part of an intense argument. Anything said in this place was an interest to me, and for the other two people behind me. We paused, just barely out of sight.

"…They're my parents, Ruby, I deserve to be in there!"

"Don't you yell at me, you little bitch! You don't have the right to speak to me that way!"

"I'll talk to you however I want. I could kill you right here, right now if I wanted. I don't care what Uncle Sam will do. I'm not scared of you anymore, none of you." A young voice said darkly.

"How-I-You! God, you ARE YOUR FATHER!"

"Thank you! The way I was raised, I'm lucky I didn't turn out to be a disgusting whore like YOU!"

"I'M GONNA-"

I rounded the corner at that point, scowling at who I assumed was Ruby. The woman that had Sam now. The woman Sam had trusted more than he did me. I appraised her, and found nothing special.

"Enough, Ruby." She glowered at me.

_That he don't love me anymore and I'll have to let him go_

She lowered her raised fist; the girl relaxed.

"Get away from her." I commanded. Ruby didn't move.

"Alrighty then, if you're gonna be mean," Kris said, turning to the girl. "Come here, Caitlyn."

I was startled I didn't recognize her sooner. We'd spent this entire time looking for a baby. We didn't think…Gosh, she was so big

Sam did this. Sam made her like this, I just know it.

It had to be Caitlyn. No one else could possibly look this much like Dean.

Once the girl was next to Kris, I stood in front of them, challenging the demon.

"What are you gonna do?"

_You say you're gonna take him_

"That depends on whether you want to walk away or get your ass kicked." I spat. She started circling me, and I followed her. I was sure that to Kris, Bobby and Caitlyn we looked like two cats.

"Aw," She made a mock-pout face. "Is dis 'cause I stoled your boyfriend?" My fists clenched and my teeth bore on their own.

"You seriously think that you have him like I did?" I asked through gritted teeth.

"I _know_ I have him like you did, She said smugly. "What's funny is you're acting like a jealous teenager. He loves me, not you. Get over it." I snorted.

"Now _that's_ funny," I said. We were getting closer to each other as we continued to circle. "You think he actually gives two shits about you."

_Oh, but I don't think you can_

"Let's skedaddle, Caitlyn." Bobby said.

"Who are you guys?" She whispered.

"Friends of your parents." She needed no further assurance. I heard them leave. I smiled darkly. Ruby was all mine now.

"He does care about me." Ruby retorted. I laughed.

"Has he ever told you that?" I asked. She said nothing. "'Cause he told _me_ he loved _me_ all the time."

"That was then, this is now."

"He still loves me, Ruby." I said.

"And how the hell do you know that?" She snarled. I grinned.

"Because I'm still alive."

'_Cause you ain't woman enough to take my man_

Worry flashed across her face. I'd struck a nerve. I smiled.

"So what? He's with me now, not you!" She yelled.

"That doesn't mean he loves you," I stated. "That means you're a booty call."

"Bullshit!"

"Does he pay attention to you when he's not using you as a human jump start or when he's screwing you?" I asked. She remained silent. I chuckled. "That's what I thought."

"He does too love me!" She shrieked. She sounded like a child.

"Yeah right." I said.

_Women like you they're a dime a dozen, you can buy 'em anywhere_

"If he cared about you he'd be with you! He's with me because he LOVES ME!"

"You're nothing but a cheap whore. He needs you for your blood. Otherwise he wouldn't bother with you."

_For you to get to him you'll have to go through me and I'm standing right here_

That's when she jumped on me. She grabbed a handful of my hair and tackled me to the floor. Before I was even fully aware of what was going on she was clawing at my face.

Through the tangle of our hair my fist shot up and hit her in the face. She grunted and shook her head, snarling at me.

Hot blood ran from my nose when she punched me, and I slammed my head into hers. While she was dazed I shoved her off of me, releasing from her grip on my hair. I scrambled to my feet, my eyes never leaving her. She stood, swaying slightly. I held up my hand and beckoned her, smirking.

She roared with rage and flew at me. This time I caught her head under my arm and spun out her momentum. I grabbed her hair and threw her to the ground, smiling when I heard a satisfying crack as her head hit the stone floor.

She groaned, her hand behind her head, holding the bump that was forming fast. She stood about three feet away from me, panting. We were circling each other again, catching our breaths.

_It'll be over my dead body so get out while you can_

"You just can't take it can you?" She asked, her chest heaving. "I have him now, and nothing you do'll change that."

"If I kick your ass all the way back to Hell there won't be much you could do about it, will there?"

"He wouldn't take your skanky ass back anyway."

I dove at her this time, slamming my fist into her jaw.

"You're the slut!" I bellowed.

_Cause you ain't woman enough to take my man_

My fist collided with her face over and over again, and I tried not to smile at the thought of how gross I was making her look.

"He still loves me!" She dodged my next hit and hit me in the stomach. I doubled over, coughing.

"You aren't what he needs!" She bellowed. I laughed, still trying to catch my breath.

"If what he needs is something pretty to take a drink from I'll get him a wine glass."

_Sometimes a man's caught looking at things he don't need_

She sneered at me.

"And he needs some weakling human, huh?"

I growled, spinning around, smiling smugly when the heel of my boot collided with her face, signaling the roundhouse kick was a success. She fell, hitting her head again.

I stood over her, grinning.

"Who's weak now?"

_He took a second look at you but he's in love with me_

Her eyes remained unfocused for a moment. She kicked her foot out under mine, flooring me. My head struck concrete and my world was turned to gray fog. I made sure to wade through it. This bitch would kill me if I passed out. We were both on the ground, out of breath and thrown by what the other had done.

She pushed herself up, her heels clicking on the ground as she did so. She stood over me and pressed her boot on my neck.

"You just can't accept it, can you?" She said, pressing down. My air was almost completely cut off. "He's totally forgotten about you. I'm the only woman in his life now, not you."

"What did, he say when, he knew I was here?" I rasped.

_Well I don't know where that leaves you but I know where I stand_

She flexed her jaw. I made a dry sound that was supposed to be a laugh.

"He freaked, huh?"

"He didn't say anything!" She shrieked.

"Then I bet his face said it all."

Her foot pressed down harder, the slender heel digging into my neck, biting the skin.

"You can't have him." She said in a low voice, her brown eyes turning black.

"I already do."

_And you ain't woman enough, to take my man_

_Women like you they're a dime a dozen_

"You mean nothing to him. If you disappeared tomorrow he wouldn't give a damn. He'd find some other demon slut to get his fix from. There isn't more than one of me." Harder. My neck started to bleed.

_You can by 'em anywhere_

"You realize that if you kill me he might kill you?" She paused. "You know deep down that you never had him. He's still mine. Give it up, Ruby."

Her shoe's original force came back, hate in her eyes. But she knew I was right.

_For you to get to him I'd have to move over and I'm gonna stand right here_

Her face was streaked with blood from cuts on her face and the bleeding wound on her forehead. Sweat ran through it and paled it on her chin. A deep purple bruise was forming on her cheek. Her lips were pulled back over her teeth in a snarl. She looked like something out of a Stephen King novel.

"You can't have him." She repeated.

"Neither can you."

_It'll be over my dead body so get out while you can_

I grabbed her ankle and twisted it away from her. She cried out and fell like a sack of potatoes, striking her head on the floor one more time. And this time her eyes stayed shut.

I felt bad for the host of Ruby's body, having to go through all of this when she didn't even know who Sam was. I stood, wiping the blood out from under my nose and coughing. I stepped over her, sneering at her unconscious form. But it quickly changed to a smug grin when I realized I had won.

_Cause you ain't woman enough to take my man_

Sam was mine.

I walked over to the door, the one I assumed led to where Sam was. If only I knew what had happened in the last few hours.

I took one last look at Ruby over my shoulder and pushed the door open.

_No you ain't woman enough to take my man_

--Ha, ha, Ruby got what's comin' to her, huh? Feedback please!--


	12. Broken

--Rated **M** for violence and language--

12

**Broken**

**Lifehouse **

_The broken clock is a comfort_

My scream has become a constant echo in my head. Alastair's awful grin would remain there forever. It was like he knew how to bring the most awful parts of Hell right here. But he couldn't go to the extent he did down there. He couldn't kill me. That was Sam's job. My evil little brother's job.

In a way I welcomed this. It was my fault that Sam was this way, this was atonement for what I had done in Hell, and this is what I got for Lauren. I didn't get a chance to tell her I forgive her. And I do. I don't blame her for what happened. I'm not angry with her, or Sam either.

But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt. Because it does. Almost as much as the salt that's being thrown into my open wounds.

_It helps me sleep tonight_

Laughter fills my ears with that awful scream tearing from my throat.

This is Hell. This is justice. I deserve this. And Alastair knows that's how I feel.

Another handful is tossed mercilessly onto my naked chest, scattering through the deep cuts that he has already inflicted on me. I can't help but scream. I haven't begged yet. But that's sure to come if this goes on longer.

"Sam killed your girl." Alastair says, grinning broadly at me.

_Maybe it can start tomorrow from stealing all my time_

"No," I croak, her face flashing in front of my eyes. "No, you're lying." His grin broadened.

"You didn't hear all that noise outside earlier?" He asked rhetorically. I swallowed. I'd heard it. "That was the crowd out there, wanting Sam to cut her pretty little neck. And he did. That bitch is dead."

"Don't you call her that!" I choked, jerking toward him. It was an empty threat, and he knew it.

_And I am here still waiting_

"What are you gonna do, yell me to death. You're mine, Dean. Again."

He pulled a knife out of the burning coals he had placed it in earlier and walked toward me. I stared at it, terrified of that orange glow. He pressed it to my skin to prove his point. I was his.

_Though I still have my doubts_

I screamed at the ceiling, wishing that I had never come here.

Lauren's dead…it's all my fault. If I wouldn't have come here, if I wouldn't have made her come here, she'd be alive.

I should have stayed at that motel room, with her in my arms. We didn't have Sam, and we didn't have our daughter, but we had each other, as stupid as that sounds. The knife touches my cheek, sending the scent of my own burning flesh up my nose as he branded me again.

"JUST KILL ME, YOU SON OF A BITCH!" I roared. He chuckled.

_I am damaged at best_

"Only Sam is allowed to do that. And I'm not done with you." He turned away from me. I pulled weakly at the shackles binding me here. They merely rattled. Alastair shook his head, an amused smile stretching across his awful lips.

I was ready to die. I _wanted _to die. Then I could go back where I belonged for what I did. Please, someone kill me. After letting Her die, I _should_ be tortured for all eternity, and Alastair should be the one to do it. Please, kill me. Kill me! Or this guilt will.

_Like you've already figured out_

Alastair turned back to me, a pair of pliers in his hands. I trembled, my eyes never leaving the dreadful instrument. He grabbed one of my hands, looking directly in my eye as he did so. I fought against him feebly. But what was about to happen was inevitable. The pliers closed around my fingernail. Alastair pulled.

_I'm falling apart_

One by one he pulled my nails out. And when he was done my throat was on fire and my voice only came out as a tiny whisper. I was crying without realizing it.

"You're pathetic!" He said, disgusted. He backhanded me. My mouth filled with blood. Then he was grinning at me again. "But, you know all of this can stop right now."

My chest heaved as I looked back at him. Not this again. Don't give me this option again.

"I can let you down right now. I can take you to the infirmary and have you fixed up real quick. No more pain, no more torture. All you have to do is hurt the other miserable bastards that have found themselves to be caught down here. That's all, Dean. Whaddaya say?"

_I'm barely breathing_

I spat the blood that had collected between my lips in his face. He stiffened. A handkerchief was conjured out of nowhere and he wiped his face.

"Fuck you." I gulped. He glared at me, seething.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Dean," He turned away from me again. " I really am." Something sharp slashed my stomach. A loud crack filled the room.

I was blinded for a moment by the searing pain. When the fog cleared I saw the bullwhip come at me again. This time it struck my neck, slicing the skin just under the main artery.

The fifth time was when I started to beg.

_With a broken heart_

"Please, please, Alastair, no. No more, please!"

SNAP!

My chest screamed at me. My brain told me it needed to stop. This pain needed to stop, it couldn't take it.

SNAP!

Lauren, please…help me…

She's dead…

No, don't let it be true…don't say that, please!

SNAP!

_That's still beating_

She really did want Sam. That's why-

NO! She said she didn't!

And you didn't tell her you forgave her. You bastard.

SNAP!

You better not fight back against that whip. It's better than you deserve. You killed her…

I didn't mean to, I didn't know!

MURDERER!

SNAP!

"NOOOOOO!!"

_In the pain_

My chest was even more shredded that it had been.

SNAP!

My leg.

"Please, oh god, please, Alastair, no more. Please, please, please!"

Chuckle.

SNAP! SNAP! SNAP! SNAP!

"PLEASE!"

_There is healing_

SNAP!

Nicked my cheek.

Stop begging, you deserve this!

Please…I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Baby…

_In your name_

"I'm so sorry. Baby…"

SNAP!

"That won't bring her back, Dean!"

SNAP!

_I find meaning_

"Please…"

SNAP!

Lauren, you're gone. I'm so sorry.

I killed you. I killed you. I killed you…

MURDERER!

SNAP!

_So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on_

"You killed her, Dean. All your fault." His voice rings truth. He knows what I've done. He knows this is right.

SNAP!

_I'm barely holding on to you_

_The broken locks were a warning_

I can't see anymore. The fog's too thick. Someone help me.

I know there's angels now. Aren't they supposed to help people?

They know too. Murderers don't get to go to Heaven.

You killed the woman you loved the most.

SNAP!

She did nothing but love you as much as you needed to be. You're selfish. You pathetic waste. She deserved more. She deserved someone that could take care of her right. That's why she went to Sam. Don't you see?

SNAP!

_You got inside my head_

_I tried my best to be guarded_

Yes. I see.

You didn't take care of Sammy either.

The voice changed to my father's.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU, BOY?!

SNAP!

WATCH OUT FOR YOUR BROTHER!

SNAP!

WATCH OUT FOR SAMMY!

SNAP!

YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!

SNAP!

"Please! Alastair, I'm begging you…stop."

SNAP!

My legs stopped working. I hung there, supported by chafing metal. The bloodied whip came toward me again.

_I'm an open book instead_

_And I still see your reflection_

Somebody help me.

_Inside of my eyes_

_That are looking for purpose_

_They're still looking for life_

SNAP!

Anybody.

SNAP!

Please.

I've been here all night. And today. I can't take anymore. Please…

_I'm falling apart_

_I'm barely breathing_

I leaned my head against the wall behind me, leaving my throat vulnerable to take the next blow.

"Oh, god…" I moaned.

"God's not here."

_With a broken heart_

_That's still beating_

SNAP!

"Please…" Blood flows past my lips. Unbridled tears leak from my eyes.

SNAP!

"I think thirty's good." Alastair grinned. He dropped the whip, which was drenched in my blood. I sobbed, uncaring that he could hear me.

_In the pain_

_Is there healing_

_In your name_

_Is there meaning_

"Just take the deal, Dean," Alastair said. "You did it once, why can't you do it again?" I looked up at him, tearing away from my shame.

_So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on_

_I'm barely holding on to you_

"I'm n-not a mon-monster l-like you." I tried to sound strong, defiant. But my voice was a quiet whimper.

He grabbed my face. I cringed away from him but he held me fast.

_I'm hanging on another day_

_Just to see what you will throw my way_

_And I'm hanging onto the words you say_

"Yes you are."

"N-no!"

_You said that I would be okay_

_Broken lights on the freeway left me here alone_

"You sliced into those people with a big ass grin on your face," He drew my face terrifyingly close to his. His eyes rolled back and turned white. "You liked it."

_I may have lost my way now_

_I haven't forgotten my way home_

"No, no I didn't! I didn't want to-"

"Oh yes you did," He chortled. "Admit it."

The door at the other end of the room opened.

Alastair spun around, dropping my face. I let my head hang, exhausted.

_I'm falling apart_

"You." The demon spat.

"Let him go."

"No."

"Let him go, or Sam gets to deal with you."

"What makes you think I'll believe that?"

I heard paper rustling. I hardly paid attention to what was being said. God, it hurt so much to inhale.

_I'm barely breathing_

"Take him." Alastair's voice was dangerously quiet.

Footsteps approached me. I didn't have the strength to look up at this person. A soft hand lifted my chin.

"Baby!" I breathed.

_With a broken heart_

"I'm so sorry, Dean. God, I'm so sorry. It didn't mean anything, I swear." Lauren assured. I leaned into her hand, swallowing the large lump in my throat.

"I forgive you. I never blamed you." I said softly.

_That's still beating_

The shackles came off of my wrists and dropped me into her arms.

I sobbed against her, hugging her.

"Thank you," I whispered. "Thank you, thank you…"

"For what?"

"Saving me…Fr-from another Hell."

_In the pain_

I could feel her eyes looking me over, seeing the damage Alastair had done.

"You mother fucker!" She screamed.

"D-don't!" I pleaded. She was alive, and I wanted to keep it that way.

_Is there meaning_

I gasped when a gray wave of pain hit me.

"Shh…" Her soothing voice. "I have to take you to Sam," I looked up at her. "But I won't let him do anything to you. I promise."

_So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on_

She touched my cheek, catching a tear. I lunged at her, kissing her deeply.

"Shh…" She whispered once we broke apart. "Let's go." I gripped her tighter.

_I'm barely holding on to you_

"He can't hurt you, Baby. I swear to you I won't let him." I kissed her again.

"You were dead." I croaked. She smiled knowingly and kissed me.

"Sam stopped the blade before it could kill me."

She hauled me up as carefully as she could, and I tried hard to support at least some of my weight.

_So I'm holding on, I'm holding on, I'm holding on_

"I won't let anyone else hurt you, Dean." She said quietly.

She didn't know what Sam was going to do.

And I didn't know fully. But I had an idea. But at least I knew it was coming.

I held her tighter, closing my eyes and focusing on her warmth. She would keep me strong. For now.

_I'm barely holding on to you_


	13. Anything Goes

13

**Anything Goes**

**Randy Houser **

_Normally this time of night_

Lauren came in with my brother. I smiled at all of the damage Alastair had inflicted on him. He wouldn't be able to stand on his own.

"What do you want, Sam?" Lauren yelled. I grinned.

"I need to talk to Dean alone," I said. "Which means, you'll have to leave." I flicked my wrist and she was thrown through a door in the corner before she could even register what was happening. She started banging on the heavy wood as soon as the door closed. But she would never get through. Not while I was holding it closed. Dean dropped to his knees, grunting in pain when he did. I walked down to him, towering over him, noting how my indestructible big brother had been reduced to the weakling huddled before me. I grinned. He looked up at me, his eyes bloodshot.

"I think we should talk eye to eye, don't you?" I asked. I flexed my hand and he was lifted off of the floor. I backed him up against the wall and kept him there.

_You wouldn't find me here_

He just stared at me, pain in his eyes that would have crippled me once. Now I didn't give a shit.

"I'm sure you have some questions, don't you?" I asked. He said nothing. I paced back and forth; his eyes followed me. "Go ahead, Dean, ask away. You should at least know what you want to before you die." I said maliciously. He shut his eyes for a moment, breathing his way through a wave of pain.

"What happened to you?" He rasped.

"I became something so much better than what I was." I said simply. He shook his head.

"No, what happened to my brother? What did you do with him?" I laughed.

"Do you seriously think I'm possessed?" I chortled. He shook his head again.

"No, but I know my little brother's in there somewhere." He said, his voice strangled. God, did Alastair do a good job.

"The Sam that you knew is dead and gone. He's something so much bigger than anything else in this pathetic world."

"Why did you become this? The Sam I knew wouldn't let it get this far."

I stopped. I looked at him.

"You really want to know?" I asked. He nodded.

"Enlighten me." He croaked.

I looked at the floor.

"You weren't there."

**Ten months ago…**

I held the bottle in my hand, taking another long swig. I looked across the crowded room, uninterested in anything this place had to offer.

_I'd never take a second look at the blonde across the bar_

But I saw her, looking at me, smiling. I knew what she wanted. And if it could get me away from this nightmare for just a little while that was good enough for me.

I went to her place, ignoring the fact that Maggie was waiting up for me right now, wondering where the hell I was. The guilt didn't get through like it should. I couldn't feel anything.

My world had been snatched out from under me in an instant.

That bitch let in that dog…and it tore him apart. Ripped him to shreds and dragged him down there.

I didn't save him. I promised that I would and I didn't…

But it doesn't matter right now. Right now I'm focused on her. I still can't feel anything.

_Much less invite her over and let things go this far_

I would give anything, _anything_ to get my life back. To get him back. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm just so lost and I don't know how to find my way back. It doesn't matter now. What I do, who I do, anything I do, doesn't matter. It's a game without rules.

_But anything goes when everything's gone_

I don't give a damn, and the one person that did isn't here. And it's my fault, it's all my fault…

**Twelve months ago…**

Lilith was gone, and he was here, in my arms, lifeless. Cold. Dead.

I couldn't move. God help me, I couldn't move. I could only look at him, remembering everything that he had ever said to me, everything he had ever done for me. It wasn't fair. He's gone because he saved me. Why should I live? WHY DID HE HAVE TO DIE?! It's not fair.

I sat there, holding him, crying, for I don't know how long.

Bobby broke me from my spell. He grabbed my arm and tried to take me away from him.

"NO! NO, LET ME GO! LET ME GO!"

_You ain't around to give a damn_

"Sam!" Bobby bellowed, spinning me around to face him. "He's gone, Sam," I wanted to tear his eyes out for saying it. "He's gone." I shook my head.

"No," I gulped. "No, there has to be another way! There has to be a way to bring him back!" The older man hugged me. "There has to be another way…" I sobbed.

"I'm so sorry, Sam…I'm so sorry." Bobby said. I continued to cry, knowing that he was lying there behind me, bloody, cut up, his blank eyes staring at nothing. I let go of Bobby at some point and turned. I knelt down next to my fallen protector and shut his eyes.

Maggie came in after that. She saw me first, saw my face. She hugged me without looking at his corpse. Lauren was a different matter.

She saw Bobby's face, staring down at him. She looked at me. She stepped around the old hunter, seeing what he had been blocking from her view.

She collapsed next to him, sobbing uncontrollably. She held him in her arms, holding his face to her chest. I cried into Maggie's neck, feeling her own tears seep into my hair.

After so long I couldn't take anymore. I ripped myself away from Maggie's arms and ran out the door, jumping the Impala and driving as fast as I could in the opposite direction.

_Whether I do right or wrong_

**Nine months ago…**

I collapsed in the middle of the crossroad, screaming at the Heaven's, cursing anyone up there that was listening. The Crossroad Demon wouldn't help me. I had no hope left.

"I HATE YOU, DEAN!" I screamed. "WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?" I pounded the ground with my fist, tossing the broken bottle at the starry horizon. "YOU SON OF A BITCH! I HATE YOU!"

_So bring it on, anything goes_

"WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?!"

_When everything's gone_

**Eleven months ago…**

I stared down into that dirt hole. The hole that now held the box that held my brother. I couldn't burn him. I told Bobby it was because I still had hope that I could save him. That was part of it.

Burning him would be so final. I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet. I never would be.

The hole was filled soon. Bobby asked if I was ready to go.

"No," I said, my voice was coarse from lack of use. "Tell Maggie I'll be there soon."

Bobby left. And when I was sure I was alone I fell to my knees, hanging onto the cross we had stuck above his head.

_Another morning after a crazy night before_

He told me once, when we were little, that no matter what happened, he would be there for me. That whenever I needed him he'd be right there. I needed him now, and he was nowhere to be seen.

"You liar," I whispered, feeling tears that should have run out a long time ago slide down my face. "I need you, and you're not here. I could call your name for days…" I looked down at the necklace in my hands, fingering the pendant. "I'm sorry I took this. I just…I need something to hang onto other than a car, ya know…I miss you…I know you hate chick-flick moments, but I do. What am I supposed to do now? What am I supposed to do without you?" I stood, slipping the necklace over my head. "Jerk." I whispered.

I waited for it, but nothing happened. "Jerk." I repeated, my voice cracking. "Jerk…" I sobbed. When I got in the car I cried some more.

**Eight months ago…**

My days and nights were blurred together. I remember what Lauren and I did, but it doesn't feel real. I woke up before her this morning. I paid the bill and I left. I feel so horrible. I betrayed him. I slept with his _wife_ for God's sake. What kind of brother am I?

_I'm searchin' for my blue jeans on a stranger's bedroom floor_

I'd been drinking for so long. I'd been sleeping with random women for so long. And this hole…it just wouldn't fill. No matter what I did, it stayed there, in my gut, making me soe hollow shell that had no meaning. I knew what it was like to be a ghost, now.

_Well, shouldn't I feel guilty_

Another shot down. Another crowded bar that buzzes around me. I feel numb. I have felt numb. And it wouldn't get any better. I had nothing left. Nothing.

_Well, I don't feel a thing_

I stumbled outside, leaning against the car, my head pounding.

"I can make it better." I turned to the voice. She was pretty, dressed slutty, the kind of thing I go for now. She stood in front of me.

"What?" I said.

"I can make it better, the pain. I can feel it."

"What the hell are you talking about?" I barked. She giggled.

"I can make you feel a lot better, Sam."

"Who are you? How do you know my name?!" Her eyes rolled back. They were white.

_I'd wake her up to say goodbye, but I can't recall her name_

I dove at her, wrapping my hands around her neck, tackling her to the floor.

She giggled again.

"Oh, Sam, you silly goose," She said, grinning at me. "You can't kill me, not yet, anyway."

"What are you talking about?" I growled.

"I can make you so powerful. So, so powerful. Powerful enough that you'll forget all this nasty pain." I stared at her.

"Why would you help me?"

"I feel bad," I glared at her. "Just a teensy bit. You're so pitiful, right now. It's sad. But think about it, after you see what you can do, you could have anything you want…" She smiled smugly at me. "Including your brother."

"What'll it cost me?" I asked. I'd do anything to save him. She giggled, tracing my cheek.

"Just the seal of the deal."

Why should I trust her? She killed him, I should kill her. But I remembered. This game had no rules.

_But anything goes when everything's gone_

"Ok." I said. She grinned.

"There's a good boy." She said. She got up. I let her.

"Now, let's get started."

**Six months ago…**

I stormed through those gates, moving every demon that came in my path. I worked my way to the dark corners, where the real screaming was going on.

I found who I was looking for. I moved the torturers away with a wave of my hand. I undid the bindings. I took their hand, making them whole again. Eyes looked up at me, pleading eyes.

"Sam?"

"Let's go…"

_You ain't around to give a damn_

"Ruby."

_Whether I do right or wrong_

**Now…**

"Sam…" Dean breathed. "Why?" I scowled at him.

_So bring it on_

"WHY?! You weren't there! You left me! I was alone, Dean! ALONE!"

_Anything goes when everything's gone_

"You took away everything from me! I didn't know what to do, Dean!"

"I'm sorry-"

"TOO LATE!" I screamed. "TO FUCKING LATE!" I brought my face close to his. "You lied to me. You said you'd always be there for me!" Tears stung my eyes. "I needed you! So much…but you…you were dead. Lilith helped me forget. She helped me forget you…"

_If you'd left a single thread for me to hold on to_

"And…by the time I could go down there…I couldn't get you out, I couldn't."

"Why?"

"Because, because you would see what I had become. You would hate me for it. You'd look at me like I was a monster…"

"Sam…I'm sorry, Sam. I'm so sorry," He said, wincing. "I won't leave you again."

_I'd have one good reason not to do the things I do_

I'd let my guard down. I'd let the human part of me come out, making me as weak as he is. No, not again. I wouldn't be weak again. I grinned at him, overpowering that sniveling thing he called his brother.

"But I should thank you, Dean," I said, relishing the horror and pain that sprang in his eyes as he watched me revert back to the so called monster. "After all, is it weren't for you I wouldn't be here. So thank you."

"Sam…no-"

"Shut up!" I snapped.

_But anything goes, when everything's gone_

_You ain't around to give a damn whether I do right or wrong_

"But now, now I have to send you back to where you belong. You deserve it, seeing as what you did to all of those people." He winced. I laughed.

_So bring it on, anything goes when everything's gone_

"Time to die, Dean."

_Anything goes_

I held up my hand, squeezing it into a fist, just like Azazel did three years ago.

He tensed, crying out as blood spilled from his already wounded chest.

_Anything goes_

"Sammy…"

_When everything's gone_

--More soon!--


	14. The Beast in Me

14

**The Beast in Me**

**Johnny Cash**

_The beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars_

"Sammy…"

Something inside me stirred.

"Sammy, please…" Blood fell over his lips.

"_Stop it…_" The something said.

"What did you call me?" I asked, my voice shaking. His breath hitched in his chest.

"Pl-please, Sammy, don't k-kill me…" He begged.

"_Let him go! Stop hurting him!_" The something demanded. Helpless tears fell from his eyes. I knew the pain that was wracking through his body right now. And I didn't care…the something cared. The something that was fighting its way to the surface. I didn't want to let it out. It was weak, it was too weak to take me over!

Isn't it?

_Restless by day_

"_No I'm not._"

I took my body back over, at least part of it. The hands wouldn't unclench from my brother's heart.

_And by night rants and rages at the stars_

"Sammy!" He choked. He coughed, more blood falling. I fought it. I fought this evil thing that had taken me over.

"Give me…My body…back…" I forced the voice to say. If I could have seen through Dean's eyes, I would have watched my eyes change from yellow to brown and back again.

"_NO!_" The evil thing roared, fighting against me, forcing more of its power out. Hurting Dean more. Dean whimpered, leaning his head against the stone behind him.

_God help the beast in me_

"P-please…Sammy, don't!" He said softly. My heart ached. I fought the thing harder. I thought of how many people it had killed. What it had done to Caitlyn, and what it was about to do to Dean.

Dean…Dean…Dean…

_The beast in me_

"_This world is mine. Your body is mine. YOU BROTHER'S LIFE IS MIINNNEEE!_"

_Has learned to live with pain_

"N-No…" I said through gritted teeth.

Dean inhaled deeply, the sound ragged and wet.

"S-Samm-mmy."

It was that voice that made me fight.

"_By the time you get me out he'll be dead._"

"G-give…me my body…back!"

_And how to shelter from the rain_

I could feel it, this dark thing in the pit of my stomach. My beast, my Id, my inner demon.

It made me kill. It made me evil. It made me drink demon blood to keep it strong. It made me sleep with Ruby when I wanted Maggie.

"_You think you're strong,_" I told it. "_But Lauren's right, you're a coward. You're weak!_"

"_That thing you call a brother is weak._"

"_He spent over a hundred years in Hell without losing it. He's survived Alastair without the guarantee that he would be whole again. You told Alastair to give him that offer as a test. He said no. HE'S NOT WEAK! YOU ARE! NOW-_"

"Give me my body back!"

"_NO!_"

_And in the twinkling of an eye might have to be restrained_

"Sammy…" Dean's voice was hardly audible. "Please…stop…"

"GET OUT OF MEEEEEE!"

I forced it out, like throwing up. I dug down inside myself and pushed it out. My head flew back against my will. Black smoke curled out of my mouth, flying into the air.

_God help the beast in me_

I heard something fall. The thing screamed as it left my body. It couldn't survive without me. It would die without me. I laughed. I _laughed_ at it.

_Sometimes it tries to kid me that it's just a teddy bear_

It reached the high ceiling, the last of it leaving me completely and disappeared with one last shriek.

_And even somehow manage to vanish in thin air_

"Sammy…" The softest whisper. I looked up, my stomach turning at all of the blood on my brother. He was soaked in it. And more was still coming.

"Dean," I went to him, lifting him in my arms. "I'm sorry, Dean, I'm so sorry!" I looked at his shattered body. "God, what have I done?"

_And that is when I must beware_

"Sammy?" Dean said.

"I'm here, Dean, I'm here." I said. My god, what have I done to him? He smiled, relieved.

"Sammy." He breathed.

"Dean, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." He shook his head, still smiling.

"It's okay, Sammy…I got you back…I got you back…"

He was fading fast. His life leaking away a little more with each second that went by.

With one simple word he had gotten me to fight. Just one word I used to curse him for saying, him and Dad both. And it had saved my life…and his. But I don't think he cared about that.

_Of the beast in me_

I hugged him, trying to be careful not to hurt him.

"Sammy…"

He was dying. Again. Again, not again, please.

"Hang on, Dean. Just hang on. You're gonna be alright, okay? You're gonna be fine." I assured. Even I didn't believe it.

"Sammy…"

A door on the other side of the room burst open, making me jump.

"Lauren."

She bolted toward us, fire in her eyes.

"Get away from him!" She shrieked. Before I could process anything she took him from me, holding him protectively against her chest.

"Lauren," I said. It was a little awkward to talk to her right now, after… "It's me. I'm not gonna-"

"Shut up!" She barked. "What have you done to him?!"

"Baby…" Barely audible whisper. Lauren looked down at him. "'S Sammy…not…bad…Sammy."

"Dean…" She looked up at me. "Sam?"

"Yes, it's me. And I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

"Lauren…"

She smiled painfully down at him.

"You're gonna be alright, 'kay? You're gonna be just fine."

_That everybody knows_

He shook his head slightly. He knew. He knew what this had done. He'd been through it before. And it had put him in a coma. This had been without a car accident, but this time had been twice as long. His heart was failing. He'd lost too much blood.

I had killed my brother.

"Lauren…Love…you…" He gasped.

"You're gonna be okay, baby," She assured. "You're gonna be fine. It's not that bad, it's not that bad."

His eyes started to close.

"No, no, Dean, stay awake, please, Baby, Please!" She begged.

"Dean…" I whispered. His eyes closed.

"Sammy…"

"No, no, Dean please, Baby please!" She started to cry. "You can't take him twice! YOU CAN'T TAKE HIM TWICE! It's not fair!"

The large double doors opened.

_They've seen him out dressed in my clothes_

"Caitlyn, don't!" Bobby's voice yelled. The teenager ran into the room, toward us.

"Daddy?" She fell to her knees next to her mother. The blood drained from her face when she saw her father's blood all over him. "Daddy…" Dean didn't move.

"Dean?"

He was still, so still.

"Mommy, move." Caitlyn said.

"What?"

"Move!" She shoved Lauren out of the way and put her hand on Dean's chest.

"What are you..?"

_Patently unclear_

Caitlyn took deep breaths. And slowly, a blue light started to fill her eyes, glowing. The light came out of her hand, into Dean's chest. It got brighter, and brighter and brighter. Until it filled the whole room and blinded me for a moment. When the light faded away she was unconscious on top of her father, and every wound and drop of blood was gone.

Dean's eyes opened.

"DEAN!" Lauren and I exclaimed. He moved to sit up when he saw his daughter on his chest.

"Caity?" He looked at us. "What happened?"

"I don't really know." I said.

"I healed you," Caitlyn said, sitting up. "I can only do it once. But…you were dying, Daddy. I had to." He hugged her.

"Thank you."

"No prob," She smiled when they broke apart.

_If it's New York or New Year_

Lauren lunged at him, kissing him deeply. Caitlyn and I turned away, grimacing.

"What happened to your eyes?" Caitlyn asked. "And why did you let me heal him? What's wrong with you, Uncle Sam?"

"This is who I really am, Caitlyn. I swear. I'm not what you've seen for the past year. I'm not evil."

_God help the beast in me_

Lauren and Dean were still engrossed in each other when yet another door opened.

Maggie stormed toward me, her hair tousled, her eyes angry, a small amount of blood under her nose. I stood, walking closer to her.

"Maggie." I said. She scowled up at me. And slapped me as hard as she could. Before I had time to recover or even register what she did, she kissed me.

_The beast in me_

--Sammy's back, whoo! Feedback please!--


	15. White Horse

15

**White Horse**

**Taylor Swift**

_Say you're sorry_

Not sure why I kissed him. Maybe it was a victory gesture. Maybe it was me subconsciously telling Ruby that this proved he was mine.

Or maybe, maybe, it was because seeing him was too much for me and I loved him so damn much.

I broke away from him, so angry I could feel it bubbling in my stomach. He looked down at me, those beautiful eyes… He smiled at me. I scowled at him.

I had thought about this for a long time. Confronting him and saying everything I wanted to, calling him every name that came to mind. But that all went away, confidence, hatred, it vanished the second after I slapped him. When I looked at him.

And right now, looking up at his face, yearning to run my fingers through his shaggy hair and kiss him until my lips fell off, I hated him. I hated that he made me feel this way.

_That face of an angel comes out just when you need it to_

"I hate you," I spat. And to my chagrin, he smiled at me. Chuckled, actually. This only made me more angry. "God! You son of a bitch!" He chuckled again, his smile growing.

"Maggie." He said.

"I hate y- would you stop looking at me like that?!" I bellowed. I couldn't help but get mad. I had seen what he had done. I remembered what it felt like when he left me. But this, god this feeling of being so near him again. I could reach out and touch him. I could kiss him, I could feel the warmth coming from his skin through his shirt, I could-

Keep it together Maggie! Focus.

_As I paced back and forth all this time 'cause I honestly believed in you_

It was hard. So, so very hard to stay mad at him. But I had to.

"Maggie," He repeated, stepping a little closer to me. God, I could _smell_ him now. It was driving me crazy. "I am so sorry, Maggie. So sorry. What…what I did to you…how I treated you. There's no reason for you to forgive me for that."

_Holding on the days drag on_

He'd been with other women while he was still with me. I knew. He didn't think I did, but I knew. Losing Dean had taken so much out of him. I tried to be there for him.

I held him through those first few nights, keeping my own tears at bay while he cried. And then he shut down. He didn't speak. He didn't eat. He hardly slept.

And then he started drinking. I hated it when he drank. He was more distant than usual when he drank. Then he was never home. Never with me.

But with other women, yes. It made me mad at first. But after awhile, I understood that at least he came back to me when it was all said and done. He didn't talk to me, even when I begged him to let me in, to say _something_ to help me understand why he was acting the way he was. In those days, I would have killed to have him look at me then the way he was right now.

I woke up one morning, and he was gone.

_Stupid girl, I should've known, I should've known_

Just gone. I waited, all day, all night. Nothing. I called him. He didn't answer. I left message after message.

Lauren went to talk to him, to try and knock some sense into him. I couldn't. I wouldn't.

She came back the next morning saying that he wasn't coming back no matter what she did.

I tried to forget about him after that. I tried to put it out of my mind that I ever even knew him. And I left too. It was easier without Lauren around, asking me if I was okay, telling me it was gonna be alright all the damn time.

I forgot during the day. But your subconscious doesn't want to let you forget so easily.

_I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale_

I dreamt that he came back to me, apologizing just like he was now, begging me to give him another chance. He hadn't been thinking clearly, and he loved me so much it hurt.

But he was evil now. He killed without remorse, without regret, without mercy.

_I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell _

"I can't forgive you, Sam." I said. He wilted, his eyes pleading, but understanding.

"I didn't expect you to." He whispered. I could tell by his tone he was hurt. And when he looked at me…

"Don't give me those puppy dog brown eyes of yours- wait, brown?" I examined his face closer, his eyes. Brown. Brown as could be. "They aren't yellow."

_This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town_

He shook his head.

"No, Maggie. Whatever was in me that was evil is gone. I'm not that monster anymore." He said softly. God, his eyes were killing me. Any other time I would have hugged him tight, thanking God that he was my Sam again. But I couldn't. No, not this time. Not after the hell I went through. Though, I'm sure it was nothing compared to Dean's.

"I'm sorry, Maggie." He said. I shook my head.

"Sam…You left me. I…I didn't know what to do. What I should do. You were so cold, so distant before you left and then…You didn't even give me a warning! You just took off! No goodbye! No reason!" I swallowed hard. I'd never talked about this to anyone, including myself.

_I was a dreamer before you went and let me down_

"And then I see you on the news, opening Devil's Gates and killing any human you saw just because of what they were. I couldn't believe that I had loved you like I did."

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around_

"Loved?" He asked. God that freaking face! Those eyes! They twisted my heart mercilessly. "You…you don't love me anymore?"

I couldn't answer him. I couldn't. Not when he was looking at me the way he was. Not when I _knew_ what I had to do.

He bowed his head, close to tears.

"Why should you?" He whispered. "After the things I did. After the things I didn't say," He looked up at me. "I pushed you away when you were probably the only person that could have saved me. I didn't let you help me through that grief because…Because I couldn't let him go, Maggie. I couldn't. Not when I promised I would save him."

_Baby I was naïve got lost in your eyes and never really had a chance_

I could feel Lauren, Dean and Caitlyn's eyes on us. They were watching this whole scene play out before them. And I didn't know what outcome they expected.

"You deserve so much better than what I gave you, Maggie. So much more."

_I had so many dreams about you and me, now I know_

Why couldn't I speak? It's very simple to do. Just talk.

"And I understand if you never want to see me again. I completely understand. I don't expect you to love me. Hell, I wouldn't expect you to spit on me if I was on fire. But you have to know I'm sorry. If I could take it all back I would. I would make all of this go away to make you happy again. Just to make you smile." He said. He took another step toward me. My heart hurt.

_I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairytale. I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet, lead her up the stairwell_

"Sam…" I began. He held up his hand.

"You don't have to give an excuse, I understand. You don't have to sugar coat it for me to make me feel better."

"I don't?" I asked.

"No. You don't. I know what you're feeling."

"I don't think you do." I said.

_This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town. I was a dreamer before you went and let me down_

"I don't?" He said. Jesus, those damn eyes. I shook my head.

"No, Sam, you have no idea how I feel right now."

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around_

"I know. I can't understand what you feel. That pain…and seeing me isn't helping, is it? I'm just making it harder for you," He looked at the floor and then back up at me. My gut wrenched when I saw tears barely starting their way down his face. "Maggie, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry."

_And there you are on your knees. Begging for forgiveness, begging for me_

I couldn't take it anymore. Screw anger, screw cheating, screw anything that happened in the past. Cause now, I didn't give a fuck.

_Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry_

I wrapped my arms around his neck, kissing him, stifling his heart aching apology. I felt his arms, those safe, warm arms, wrap around me. His lips worked with mine in a rhythm only we knew. And at that moment I realized that this was right. This right here, was so very right.

'_Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale_

_This_ is what I was trying to explain to Ruby. He's mine. Always will be. She can't have him now. And once again, when it was all said and done, he came back to _me_. Not those other whores, not Ruby, me.

And I knew, that in his heart he wouldn't ever cheat on me again. Not when he understood the outcome. Sam wasn't stupid…All the time.

_I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well_

The double doors opened and Bobby and Kris stepped in. I hardly paid attention.

"Well, I see someone's better." Kris said, trying not to giggle.

"You okay, Dean?" Bobby asked. Dean nodded.

"Yeah," He said. "Sam's back to normal. Almost everything's back to normal."

"Good." Bobby said.

"Yeah, this was all a little nutty for my taste." Kris said.

"A little?" Lauren asked. Kris shrugged.

"Eh, I've seen worse." Lauren shook her head.

_This is a big world, that was a small town_

Sam and I broke apart when someone barged in the room and screamed:

"Where the hell is my wife?!"

He was a tall man, and thickly built. Looked like he'd plow anyone down that got in his way. His blue eyes were fiery, his teeth pulled back in a snarl as he looked around at us. His jeans were old, and torn. His black T-shirt strained against his arms. I swallowed. This man was gonna kill us.

Kris looked over Bobby's shoulder. And she broke into a huge grin.

"Shawn!" She exclaimed, running toward him. All anger, fury, and agitation left his face in an instant. He smiled warmly at Kris and scooped her up in his arms when she got close enough.

"What the hell are you doin' here, honey?" He asked gently. I shook my head, alarmed at the instant change I just saw, or if it was even real.

"Helpin' out a friend. Would've called, but they don't exactly have phones around here." She said, still smiling.

_Their in my rearview mirror disappearing now_

"You know they kill humans here, right?" Shawn asked. She nodded.

"Yeah, I know. But hey, Dean needed help." She gestured behind her with her head. His eyes moved to Dean, and back to her.

"As in Dean Winchester? That evil dickhead's brother?" He asked.

"Uh, honey." She nodded to Sam. Shawn looked at him, his eyes growing, holding onto Kris a little tighter.

"I'd be the evil dickhead." Sam said.

"But he's okay now, Shawn. He's not gonna hurt anyone." Kris assured.

"Wait a second!" Bobby said. "You have a husband?"

"Yeah." Kris said nonchalantly.

"Why didn't you tell us you were married?" Dean asked.

"You never asked," She turned her attention back to Shawn. "How the hell did you get in here, baby?" He half-smiled.

"Those black contacts I ordered. Came in handy, huh?" He said. Kris grinned and ruffled his short blonde hair.

"I love you so friggin much." She said, kissing him.

Lauren and I looked at each other, shaking our heads at this impossible phenomenon. Sharing a silent "What the hell?"

_And it's too late for you and your white horse_

I looked up at Sam, gaining his attention back.

_Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now_

He touched my cheek, pulling me in for another kiss.

_Whoa, whoa, whoa, try and catch me now_

"I love you Sam Winchester."

_Oh, too late for you to catch me now_

--Feedback time! ( Did i get ur hubby right DS?)


	16. In the Arms of the Angel

16

**In the Arms of the Angel**

**Sarah McLachlan**

_Spend all your time waiting_

Sam had Lauren and I take the back way up to a room. He and Maggie went the main way, with some plan of their own, and Caity was to go up to her room like normal. Sam said to make sure that if anyone saw us, Lauren was to tell the one that did to go talk to him.

And we went down those hallways, up the stairs, and behind the secret passageway behind some freaky lookin' statue. And we were almost scot-free, a woman came around the corner, her eyes black as night. And when she saw me, she smiled.

"Hello, Dean," She said. I knew that voice. "Charming place to find you." I sneered.

"Bella." She grinned.

"Who's your friend?" I hated that tea sipping bitch _so_ damn much. Lauren roughly yanked my arm forward, making me stumble.

"I'm following Sam's orders," She snapped. "Takin' this asshole to the tower and dropping him off." Bella grinned.

"Then I won't slow you any further. Bye, Dean." She walked down the stairs and out of sight. Lauren let me go, looking at me apologetically.

"Sorry," She said quietly. "I had to improvise."

"It's okay. We gotta keep going."

We got up to that room and tried to talk through the things that had happened today, but we were too exhausted.

And now I was dreaming.

_For that second chance, for a break that would make it okay_

I had to be. Why else would I be standing in this place? This beautiful place. It may have been dark out, but the moon reflected off the lake, the breeze was light and chilled and made the trees whisper. And it was so damn quiet.

Why the dude in the trench coat was here, I don't know. But I didn't like it.

"Hello, Dean." He said.

"Who the hell are you?" I asked. Why the hell I was dreaming about this freak, I didn't know.

"I'm the one that pulled you from Hell," He said, walking closer to me. "I am Castiel."

"You're the angel." I said. He nodded.

"Yes."

"What do you want?" I asked warily.

"I want to fix this situation. I want to make this right." He said.

_There's always some reason to feel not good enough_

"How?" I asked, skeptical. He looked at the ground, taking a deep breath. I still couldn't believe they were real. After all this time they finally decided to make themselves known to me and hunters in general. Why now? That was my big question. Why now?

_And it's hard at the end of the day_

"I can turn back time," The angel said, his voice flat and monotone. "I can go back to before this ever happened and no one will remember it." My heart leapt. He could fix this, all of it. He could bring back those billions of people, he could make my baby a baby again, he could let my brother forget the things he had done, he could do it!

"Then why haven't you done it yet?" I asked, nearly frantic. He bowed his head again.

"Because someone has to remember what happened. Someone other than myself." He said. I understood then. He knew that I would take this burden because of some self loathing complex of mine. Even if he had asked someone else I would take it. I nodded.

"I'll remember this." I said.

"There's more to it than that." He said. God, these guys were so friggin ominous.

_I need some distraction, oh, beautiful release_

"What?" I asked.

"When I turn time backward…I have to take it back to the day you perished. The day you went to Hell." He said quietly. Fear crept through me, filled me, rattled me. I swallowed it before it could come out.

"I…I have to go back?"

"This is why I was unsure if you wanted to remember this at all. You already spent one hundred and twenty years in Hell, Dean. It's not fair for you to go back again." He said.

_Memories seep from my veins_

I tried to think of a situation where someone besides me remembered this terrible nightmare.

Sam would remember the monster he was, and so would Maggie. Caity would have grown up already, known so much but still be in a baby's body. Bobby would never look at Sam the same way again. And Lauren, Lauren would remember the monster, remember what Sam did to me, how much she missed me when I was gone and she would have to again if I went back. No. No it would have to be me. Because I loved my family.

_I may be empty_

"No, no I'll do it, Cas." I said.

"You and Lauren both call me that. I don't understand why." He said.

"It's shorter and easier to say." I said, slightly taken aback by the random comment.

"Are you sure you want to remember this?" He asked.

I thought about the last few days, all had that gone on. What my brother had become, and what he was now. I had saved him, just like this angel wanted me to. My little girl was made a teenager and a murderer. My brother was sluttin' with a demon that I hated with a passion since the day I met her. My wife had been so miserable for the past year. Maggie was a closed off mess. And I was in the same place most of my worst enemies were at the moment. I had been tortured by Alastair and Sam. I found out my wife slept with my brother. It had been crazy, heartbreaking and painful. But I could take it. I would take it. I wouldn't let the people around me suffer when they didn't have to.

"Yes."

_Oh and weightless and maybe I'll find some peace tonight_

"I don't understand." Castiel said.

"You don't understand what?"

"I don't understand why you would sacrifice yourself like this." He said. He wouldn't get it. He couldn't. He didn't have human emotions or what ever stupid thing I had.

"Would you want your family to remember something like this if they didn't need to?" I said.

"No," He sighed. "I suppose I wouldn't," He looked up at me. "But I haven't been sent to Hell, Dean. I haven't been through what you have."

"Ya," I snorted. "A hundred years of beatings and twenty of giving the beatings." I looked at the ground.

I felt a hand clasp around my shoulder. I looked up into blue eyes, confused eyes.

"No one blames you for what you have done."

_In the arms of the angel, fly away from here_

"Maybe they should." I said in a low voice. I thought it was kinda weird the shoulder he grabbed was the one with the scar from his hand.

"Any human in your position would have done the same, only a lot sooner. And they weren't good people you were torturing, Dean. They deserved to be there, unlike you. God rejected them from Heaven." He defended.

"They were still people." I said, pulling away from his grip. I turned away from him, pushing their faces from my mind.

"Dean, you did nothing to deserve to go to Hell. You saved your brother's life. And once you were there you were subjected to worse torture than the other souls could have endured for more than an hour. And you lasted a century."

"There was a break in between there." I said.

"Yes, because you tortured souls for twenty years and went back to _being _tortured. No one has ever, _ever_ gone back on Alastair's deal before. No one. Except you." He said. I could tell he was seriously confused.

"Doesn't matter. I did something unforgivable. Over and over and over again."

"It's not unforgivable if I forgive you. If _God_ forgives you."

_From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you feel_

I know his words were supposed to make me feel better, but it was like he hadn't said anything. He could forgive me, hell, God could forgive me. But I couldn't forgive myself. I don't know if I ever would.

"Dean, you will punish yourself for this for the rest of your life. You have all of this guilt that would be unbearable for anyone…I don't understand you." He said.

I turned around.

"What is there to understand?"

"I don't understand why you take such burdens upon yourself. You sacrifice yourself every chance you get. You are full of guilt, remorse, fear and pain, yet you won't share it with anyone. You won't let anyone help you."

_You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie_

"What could anyone do to help me?" I demanded.

"You would be surprised how those we love can help when we're hurt," The angel said. "Lauren helped me and she doesn't even know she did."

"How?" I asked sharply.

"She gave me a reason to keep fighting. To keep living. She saved my life, Dean." He said.

_You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here_

"What did you tell her?" I growled. I could tell he was hinting around at something. Good thing about angels, they're not good at being conspicuous.

He looked at the ground.

"You told her what I did, didn't you?!" My voice was angry, but I knew he could see pain in my eyes.

"She asked. She is my charge too, Dean. I can not deny her information." He said tediously.

I wanted to kill him. Whether it was a sin or not, I wanted to kill him. How could he tell her that I…that I…

"Why would you do something like that?" I asked helplessly.

"Because she wanted to know. It's as simple as that."

_So tired of the straight life, and everywhere you turn_

I shut my eyes, blinking the tears away.

"Now she knows I'm a monster." I whispered. I didn't intend for the angel to hear me, but I guess that was one of the perks of being holy.

"She blames you about as much as I do. She was more concerned about what it had done than the act itself." He said. It didn't make me feel any better.

_There's vultures and thieves at your back_

_The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lie_

"When are you turning time back? When am I going back to Hell?" I asked softly. Castiel sighed.

"At midnight." He said.

_That you make up for all that you lack_

_It don't make no difference, escaping one last time_

_It's easier to believe_

"What time is it now?" I asked. Castiel sighed.

"Eleven thirty." My heart sank, fear replacing it again. I swallowed it.

"Alright," I said. "Alright."

"It will be easier to get to you this time. Now that we know what to expect." He assured. I nodded.

"Please," I whispered. "Come as fast as you can."

_In this sweet madness, oh, this glorious sadness_

"You don't have to do this, Dean," He said quietly. "There's still time for you to say no."

"No, I'm doing it." I said firmly. Or, at least I tried to sound firm. My breath was shaking and my throat was dry. I was terrified, to say the least. But this time might be easier. I knew what to expect this time. I knew what Alastair would do to try and make me cave.

"Will I have to die again?" I asked. Castiel shook his head.

"No, you will be in Hell when it happens." He said. I nodded, blinking tears away again, one slipped away from my control.

_That brings me to my knees_

"Can I wake up now?" I asked, begged really.

"In a moment," The angel said. "Dean, there will be a consequence for this. There has to be a balance."

"What could be worse than this?" I asked.

"I don't know what it will be, but I know there will be one. Or several. Like I said, there must be a balance." He said.

_In the arms of the angel, fly away from here_

"Alright," I said. "As long as this never happens, I don't care." There was a long pause.

"Are you sure you want to do this, Dean?" The angel asked.

_From this dark, cold hotel room_

_And the endlessness that you feel_

"Yes. I don't care about what happens to me, Cas. I want my family to be okay. I want them to forget this." I said.

_You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie_

"And there's billions of people that should be alive. I'm not going to let them die because I'm scared."

He looked confused and awed at the same time.

_You're in the arms of the angel, may you find some comfort here_

I wasn't paying attention to him until he hugged me. I was startled and angry for a second, until I felt warmth spreading through me.

_You're in the arms of the angel_

It took me a moment to hug him back, but I did. Not sure why, but I did.

"God bless you, Dean." He said.

I shut my eyes. I was ready to wake up. I had to tell her goodbye.

Thank God some prayers are answered.

_May you find some comfort here_

--No slash intended there fyi (still cant believe i have to say that :D) Feedback plz!--


	17. The Right Kind of Wrong

--Chap rated **M** for some serious sexual content! Enjoy, Sammy girls--

17

**The Right Kind of Wrong**

**Leann Rimes**

_I know all about, about your reputation_

Sam walked with me up to his bedroom. We had to use the main hallway because there was no sense in us taking the back way. I felt uncomfortable walking past all of these demons. I felt vulnerable, and I hated that feeling. Sam kept his arm slung across my shoulder, almost indifferently. His eyes were as cold as I had ever seen them, his face blank. It was like he was when I first saw him.

The only difference was the light squeeze he gave my arm every once in awhile, and the warmth in his eyes when I looked up at him, silently telling me it was okay.

I felt even more nervous when Yellow Eyes walked up.

"So, how did it go, sir?" He asked.

"It's been taken care of." He said, sounding bored. Yellow Eyes looked down at me, forehead creasing.

"If I may be so bold, my lord, who is your friend?" I tried to keep my face neutral, like Sam's, but I'm not so sure it worked.

"Just a _really_ good friend of mine. And I got bored with Ruby," He said with a small smirk. Yellow Eyes nodded. "Only problem is the whole 'yellow eyes' thing freaks her out." He whispered. Yellow Eyes nodded, the yellow fading from his own eyes.

"Sorry if I frightened you, miss." He said. I tried not to shudder.

We walked up to his room without any further encounters.

_And now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation_

He shut the door behind him and faced me.

"Now what?" I said. He looked at the floor.

"You know how sorry I am, right?" He mumbled. I nodded.

"I do, Sam." I said.

"But…why the hell are you going to forgive me?" He seriously didn't understand me, at least in this situation.

I sighed. His eyes remained downcast.

"Sam, look at me," I said softly. He looked up. "I know what you did. I know you treated me like shit," He winced. "But I understand why.

"You were lost, Sam. You didn't know what else to do. It was your way of coping with Dean's death. Now that's no excuse for using your powers and going all psycho, but I'm not condemning you for that. Don't get me wrong, I wish I could hate you. But I can't. I love you, Sam."

_But I can't help it if I'm helpless every time that I'm where you are_

"You've never really been good at making good decisions, have you?" He said playfully, but quietly.

I wanted this distance between us to close. It was so cold with him not near me. This room felt so empty. And even though I could see him, I felt alone. He wouldn't look at me. I wanted him to. I wanted him to understand that I forgave him completely and there was no reason for him to feel this guilty.

But he did. And I could tell by the look in those sweet, sweet eyes of his that he didn't feel good enough to be with me. He felt that accurate punishment would be for him to never be allowed to see me again. But that wasn't true. If that happened it would be punishment for both of us. And that's not fair.

_You walk in and my strength walks out the door_

_Say my name and I can't fight it anymore_

"Sam, I thought we verified a long time ago that I'm really stupid when it comes to you." I said. God, look at me!

He shook his head.

"You shouldn't be anywhere near me," He said. "You shouldn't _want_ to be anywhere near me."

"I know." I said.

_Oh I know I should go._

"But I don't want to."

_But I need your touch just too damn much_

He shook his head.

"You really are stupid, huh?" He said, looking up at me. FINALLY!

"Yes," I said. "I am," He half smiled, shaking his head again. "And I want to forget that any of this ever happened."

I don't know how he closed the space between us as fast as he did, but before I knew it he was right in front of me, one hand on the small of my back, the other on my neck and cheek.

"What are you doing?" I whispered. He leaned forward, his eyes closing.

"Forgetting."

_Lovin' you isn't really somethin' I should do_

_Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you_

We attacked each other. Our lips crashed together, kissing, biting, pulling, trying to gain control over the other. A pointless battle that could have gone on forever. I ripped his shirt away, satisfying my need to touch his hot skin again. My hands ran down his chest, feeling every muscle underneath them flex.

The rest of our clothes were moved out of the way quickly, eagerly. His lips were a constant against my own, swelling at the intensity. We were moving toward the bed. I knew that if this continued for too long the mattress would hit the back of my knees and send me on my back.

Not this time.

_Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you, yeah_

_Well, I should try to be strong but baby you're the right kind of wrong_

Just as I felt the sheets pressing against the back of my legs I spun around, sending him flat on his back into the mattress. He seemed dazed for a moment, but that was long gone when he looked up at me.

I stifled a shiver as he gave me that "come hither" look. I smirked and leant down, gently and slowly dragging my tongue over his stomach, chest and neck. He moaned in pleasure and his breath quickened. I tried not to giggle.

_Yeah, baby, you're the right kind of wrong_

I caught his earlobe between my teeth and bit lightly. The hand that was in my hair clenched and pulled, the other dug into my back.

He tried to kiss me but I avoided him by moving to his neck, sucking, biting, kissing. I knew I was driving him crazy with anticipation, and I was glad I was doing it. This type of torture could definitely count as his atonement. And I think he knew that.

_Might be a mistake, a mistake I'm makin'_

_But what you're givin' I am happy to be takin'_

His skin had been turned to an inferno, his heat alone making me sweat. His hair was damp and tousled, his pupils dilated. Oh yeah, this was justice. His breath came in quick gasps, his hands touching me everywhere.

I kissed him, my fingers tangled in his hair. I pulled lightly and he moaned again, hands in a vice on my hips. His eyes were begging me, but I wasn't done yet.

'_Cause no one's ever made me feel the way I feel when I'm in your arms_

I ran the tips of my nails down his chest, causing him to erupt in goosebumps. He shut his eyes, gripping the sheets underneath him tightly. This was a definite change from our original routine. This was the first time I was in control and he wasn't. We should switch it up more often. He's hot when he's submissive.

My nails continued down his body, all the way to the inside of his thighs. His eyes squeezed shut and his back arced. His pleasure soaked scream echoed around me.

_They say you're somethin' I should do without_

_They don't know what goes on when the lights go out_

I kissed the side of his neck that remained unmarked, nails scratching at the back of his neck.

"Uhhnn," He whimpered. "Please."

I knew what he was begging for. I knew what he wanted. I kissed him again and grabbed his forearms, pinning them over his head.

_There's no way to explain_

He shut his eyes and swallowed hard. He leaned his head back, baring his neck.

I latched onto it, sucking on his Adam's Apple and feeling his pulse. He took in a shuddering breath, arms tensing in my hands.

"Please."

_All the pleasure is worth all the pain_

"Pl-" I caught his lips in my own before he could finish. My tongue tangled in his, tasting him. I was still having a hard time believing that this was actually happening. Not just the whole "I have my boyfriend back" thing, but the sex thing.

Sam took what he wanted, he made sure that when you slept with him you were his for however long it may be. But this, this was just…well, honestly, awesome.

_Loving you isn't really something I should do_

_Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you_

_I should try to be strong, but baby you're the right kind of wrong_

I kissed his sweat slick lips, deciding to oblige and give him what he wanted. I kept his arms where I had them and slid over him. He gasped and moaned.

I moved slowly, and the more he groaned and pleaded the slower I went.

"MAGGIE!" He screamed. I smiled at the word I had been waiting for him to say.

Take that Ruby. I officially win.

I moved faster, much to his delight. He moaned and rocked into me.

_I should try to run, but I just can't seem to_

'_Cause every time I run you're the run to_

He tried to slip his arms out of my grip but I held down tighter. He bit down on his lip, moaning into it. I slowed again. His eyes complained up at me. I moved even slower. He gasped, almost trembling underneath me.

"Maggie." He whimpered. I sped up again. He threw his head back into the pillow, his noises of pleasure mixing with the rhythm of our bodies.

_Can't do without what you do to me_

_I don't care if I'm in too deep, yeah!_

My orgasm peaked before his did. I screamed his name and yanked at his hair. As my last waves were being ridden out his came. The noise that came from him was one I'd never heard in my life. And I liked it.

_I know all about, yeah, about your reputation and now it's bound to be a heartbreak situation_

He was gasping, his eyes closed, body covered in a thin sheen of sweat.

I pushed my own damp hair out of my face and lied down next to him.

_But I can't help it if I'm helpless every time that I'm where you are_

_You walk in and my strength walks out the door_

"Maggie." He whispered.

_Say my name and I can't fight it anymore_

He took me in his arms, resting his cheek on the top of my head. I sighed and buried my face into his chest.

_Oh I know I should go, but I need your touch just too damn much_

Someone knocked on the door. My brow creased in confusion. He got up, wrapping the sheet around his waist. I watched his face go cold as he reached for the doorknob and opened the door.

"Sam," A woman's voice said. "She's in there, isn't she?"

"Get out of here, Ruby." I tensed at the sound of her name.

"No! Tell her that you weren't just using me! Tell her that I meant something to you!" She shrieked.

_Lovin' you, isn't really something I should do_

_Shouldn't wanna spend my time with you_

_Well, I should try to be strong, but baby you're the right kind of wrong_

"I've told some big lies before, but that one's just too big," He said coldly. She remained silent. "Now leave, Ruby. If I ever see you again I'll kill you on the spot." He shut the door without waiting for a reply. His demeanor changed instantly. He crawled back into the bed and held me to him. I rested my head against his chest.

_Baby you're the right kind of wrong_

"I have to tell you something." He said. I looked up into those perfect hazel eyes I had missed so much.

I kissed him deeply.

"What?" I asked.

_Baby you're the right kind of wrong_

"Lauren and I, we-"

But something happened at that moment. Something I wouldn't remember.

_Yeah baby you're the right kind of wrong_

--More soon!--


	18. Mad World

18

**Mad World **

**Gary Jules**

_All around me are familiar faces_

Today has seriously been the weirdest day of my life. Everything I had known was a lie. Absolutely everything. I wondered how it was supposed to be. I wondered how it would have been if Mommy and Daddy would have been around and not Uncle Sam and Ruby.

I did know that Daddy had been to Hell, and I don't think it was because he was bad or anything. In fact, I'm sure of it. I know bad people. I grew up around them…well, sort of grew up. It was a year at least. Freakin' witches. I hate witches.

_Worn out places, worn out faces_

I wanted to know everything about them. I wanted to know them like most kids know their parents.

But we had to keep them being here a secret. And if I wasn't in my room, well…people would ask questions. And I couldn't try and talk to Uncle Sam, either. After the scene today it would be really weird if he and I suddenly got along. So I was confined to my room, lying on my bed and staring at the ceiling. The room was dark. The light filtering through the curtains was a distant fire. My Uncle's soldiers were responsible for that one. And the millions of others before that.

_Bright and early for their daily races_

I had killed a lot of people. Like a lot. All over the world. Women, children, old people, men, teenagers. I thought I was doing something good. I thought I was protecting the people I cared about. I now realize that I was doing Sam's bidding. I was just a weapon to him. He didn't care about me. He just told me he did so I would kill.

But that wasn't the real Uncle Sam. No. No he really did care about me, and Daddy, and Mommy, and Maggie. He had gentle eyes and a caring touch. He wasn't the monster I had known. The thing that had been inside him was evil. From what I had gathered it was a manifest of the demon blood that I _knew_ he drank. Ew, gross. Ruby Juice.

_Going nowhere, going nowhere_

Was I bad? Was I bad because I had murdered? Of course I was. Billions of gallons of blood are on my hands. I had ended lives that had just begun. I had ended lives that were about to end. And I head ended lives that were just getting interesting.

I sucked.

_Murderer,_ My mind said. _Bad girl, Caitlyn, bad, bad girl!_

But Daddy didn't think so. And a part of me knew that I didn't know any better. No excuse in my book. I still killed people. I was still going to Hell for what I had done. And I would become a demon. Just like Lilith, and Alastair, and Azazel, and Ruby. Would I be as evil as they are? I don't know. I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

_Their tears are filling up their glasses_

I didn't understand anything anymore. I wanted to know what the world was like before I destroyed it. I wanted to know if Mommy and Daddy were ever happy. I wanted to know if Uncle Sam was as nice as he seemed to be.

I wanted to know how everything used to work. Everything has routine, right? What was the world's routine? What was acceptable in society and what wasn't? Were their bad people there too, or was it just demons?

I'll never know. Maybe, just maybe one day I will. I'll find a book with pictures. I'll try and find that Twilight Saga that those old magazines rave about. It'd be nice to know what the hell and Cullen is. Wonder what the big deal is there…

Maybe the world was as ugly as this one. But at least they had a choice about it.

_No expression, no expression_

This had been a hostile takeover. I remember that Europe fell first. Then Africa. Then Asia. Then South America. The U.S. went last.

I guess I should be proud to be an American, huh?

Poor Barack Obama had been president for like a month when the nation fell. The entire city of Washington D.C. was destroyed at the same time. Every member of the government died that day in that vast explosion. That was my fault. I assassinated the President and every one else in congress. Take that Lee Harvey Oswald.

_Bow my head I wanna drown my sorrow_

I sat up, shoving tears from my eyes. I hated crying almost as much as I hated witches. Almost. Felt so weak if I did. Like I said before, I'm stubborn.

The people that had taken me from Ruby and Maggie's fight, who I now know as Kris and Bobby (and Kris's husband Shawn but he showed up later) had been snuck out of this place awhile ago. I hoped they were okay. They were really nice. Kris was kind of weird though.

_No tomorrow, no tomorrow_

This world had gone crazy. Everything was dark and hopeless. Life seemed to consist of nothing but shadows, things that went bump in the night…evil.

I wrapped my arms around my knees and pulled them to my chest.

_Hey, God,_ I thought. Wasn't sure if he existed. But hey, if there were angels, then there was a God, right? _I don't know if you're even taking the time to listen to me right now but…I'm really scared. I don't know what's gonna happen to my mom and dad. I don't know what'll happen to my uncle since he's not evil anymore. I don't wanna die, God. I know I probably deserve it and I'm going to Hell if I do, but I'd like to live longer than a year. I want to know who my parents are. I want a normal life. If you can make that happen that'd be so friggin awesome. I'm sorry for what I did. I didn't know what I was doing. I know that doesn't mean anything and I probably gave Heaven a full vacancy. But I really am sorry. In Jesus name, amen._

A tear slipped onto the knee of my jeans. I wiped my eyes again, frustrated with myself. Damn crying. Damn emotions.

_And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

I rested my forehead on my knees, trying to drive away the headache. God, all of this confusion. All of my naivety. I wish I could have seen it sooner. I'd had a hunch that what I was doing was wrong. I didn't like playing Lilith's games. I didn't like killing toddlers. I was just trying to fit in with everyone else. I tried not to be the freak around here but that's how it turned out.

_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles it's a very, very_

It was like they could sense there was something amiss. Like they knew I didn't have that mean streak that they did. They knew I hated watching carnage. That I could never stomach torturing someone. That I had this lingering respect for life. Silly me, right?

_The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I ever had_

Such a crazy, crazy place this was. Such an evil, dark and horrible place I had made it. Silly me.

_Mad world, mad world_

From what I understood Uncle Sam had taken me from Mommy when I was little. Daddy must not have been there. I think he would have put up one helluva fight. And I don't see him losing.

_Children waiting for the day they feel good_

_Happy birthday, Happy birthday_

Once he took me he made me older. Old enough so my powers were developed, but young enough that I would still listen to him. Good call.

_And I feel the way that every child should_

Such lies. It was impressive what he did. Such an intricate web of them, stacked on top of one another. Round of applause for the psycho.

I still don't know why Mommy and Daddy came here. I think part of it was to come get me, but there was more too it. I could see it.

_Sit and listen, sit and listen_

God I wanted to see them. Maybe if I snuck out…

Yeah, and get them killed. Great idea. Man, I'm just freakin stupid. That's my problem. I'm stupid.

_Went to school and I was very nervous_

_No one knew me, no one knew me_

What's gonna happen next? Will we all die despite such efforts to keep each other alive? At least it'll be together.

No one would follow Uncle Sam now that he was human. No one would let Mommy and Daddy live because they were human. Maggie'd probably die too.

They'd keep me. They would because they need me. I wouldn't kill for them. Maybe they'd be better off if they killed me with everyone else.

_Hello teacher, tell me what's my lesson?_

_Look right through me, look right through me_

There aren't enough people to stop all of these demons. It's impossible. We'll all die. Maybe someone'll kill Lilith and Lucifer can come out to play. It won't matter. We'll be dead. Uncle Sam and I would go to Hell, even though we didn't mean to do the things we did.

_And I find it kind of funny, I find it kind of sad_

_The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever had_

This crazy world I was born into was a barren wasteland. Evil ran amuck because there was nothing to stop it. The good people were dead. Almost all of them were. Everyone else had black, yellow, red, or white eyes. And mine turned ice blue.

Did that mean I was a badass with my whole power thing? Heck yes it did. But that's not a good thing. I can kill. I have killed.

_I find it hard to tell you, I find it hard to take_

_When people run in circles it's a very, very_

I lied down, knowing that there was no way I'd be able to sleep but it was worth a shot. What tomorrow held in store I didn't know. I might be dead by Friday. Who knows? Who cares?

_Mad world, mad world_

I shut my eyes and tried to think about what a normal life might have been like.

_Enlarging your world_

But normal isn't what this world is. It's a

_Mad world_

--Story's almost done guys!--


	19. If Tomorrow Never Comes

19

**If Tomorrow Never Comes**

**Garth Brooks**

_Sometimes late at night_

I woke up, instantly registering the body in my arms. I looked down at her, pushing her hair out of her face and cupping her cheek in my hand. She's so beautiful. I can't believe I have to leave her again. And I'm leaving her for a spot in Hell. Maybe I am crazy.

She was so peaceful right now. She didn't look so haggard and run down. She looked like she was happy.

_I lie awake and watch her sleeping_

I glanced at the clock. Eleven thirty, just like Cas said. I would stay here, holding her soft, sweet body in my arms. That seemed like a good way to spend the last few minutes I had before…Before I went back. I held her a little tighter.

She stirred, her face screwing up in some sort of discomfort.

"Dean…" She moaned. Holy crap, she was having a nightmare.

_She's lost in peaceful dreams so I turn out the lights and lay here in the dark_

"Hey, Lauren, baby, wake up. It's alright. I'm right here. Right here, okay? Wake up." I shook her shoulder lightly. She opened her eyes and looked up at me. "You okay?"

She kissed me.

"You're here. You're still here." She said, hugging me. I tried to smile at her. But she saw right through me anyway.

"Dean, what's wrong?" I shook my head.

"Nothin'. You sure you're okay?" She frowned.

"Don't do that, Dean. Tell me what's wrong."

_And the thought crosses my mind_

Should I tell her? Should I tell her what I was going to do? Should I tell her where I was going? Maybe I should. Maybe-

"Dean, please, Baby, what's the matter?" She asked softly. I swallowed hard.

"Cas knows how to fix all of this. He's gonna turn back time and take it all back and no one's gonna remember anything." I said. She smiled.

"That's great! It'll be like nothing ever happened. Everything can go back to normal." She said. I nodded.

"What's the catch?" She asked, smile fading. I shook my head.

"No catch. Everything'll be fine." I lied.

_If I never wake up in the morning_

She shook her head.

"Dean, you know better than to lie to me like that." She said. I looked away from her. She didn't need to know. She'd try and change my mind if she did.

"Just…don't worry about it, Lauren. Please, for my sake." I pleaded.

"Dean…" She turned my chin to face her. "Baby, please."

"What day is he going back to?" She asked. I kept silent. "Damn it, Dean, talk to me."

I looked in those eyes. Those crystal blue eyes that had my heart pounding since the first time I saw her. I loved her so much. I couldn't tell her this, it'd break her heart.

_Would she ever doubt the way I feel about her in my heart_

"What day is he going back to?" She asked.

"Lauren-"

"Dean, please."

"The day I died, okay?" I spat more harshly than I intended to. She frowned.

"There's something you aren't telling me." She said. God, I hated that she knew me this well. She wouldn't remember this anyway. None of it.

"Someone has to remember all this. Someone besides Cas." I mumbled.

"And you volunteered yourself, didn't you?" She asked. I nodded. "And…if he's taking it back to when you…" She looked up at me, both angry and incredulous. "God, Dean, you…you're going back to Hell?"

_If tomorrow never comes_

A shudder went through me against my will. She sat up in front of me, touching my cheek, her eyes pained.

"No, Dean why would you do that?" She asked. She wouldn't understand no matter what explanation I gave.

"Because…Because I can take it." I said defiantly.

"No, Baby, that's too much. That's too much for you to take." She said. Her eyes were filled with so much hurt. This is why I didn't want to tell her. I didn't want to hurt her like this.

_If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I loved her_

"I did it for you. For Sam, for Caity. Because I love you." I whispered. She shook her head.

"You are so stupid," She whispered. "When, when is it going to happen?"

I glanced at the clock again.

"'Bout ten minutes." I whispered.

"Ten…Damn it, Dean!" She said, shaking her head.

"I know you're mad," I said quietly. "But, please, don't let me forget you. I don't know how long I'll be in there. Cas said it won't be as long. But…please, Baby, I can't forget."

She kissed me, hands on my neck. I wrapped my arms around her waist, holding her to me.

_Did I try in every way to show her everyday that she's my only one_

She ran her hands down my back and my chest. I felt goosebumps rise over my skin. I kissed her neck, her hair tickling my face. I touched every inch of her, making sure that I would remember what she felt like, what she smelled like, what she sounded like. She would keep me sane down there. She would help me hang on.

_And if my time on Earth were through and she must face this world without me_

I kept looking at the clock, my heart pounding as I watched the number get closer and closer. Time passed so quickly here.

"Dean, you're shaking." She said softly. I leaned into her chest, gripping her tight.

"I'm scared," I admitted. "I'm really scared, Lauren."

"I know," She whispered, kissing my temple. "I know, Baby."

I didn't want to go back. I was scared out of my mind just thinking about what happened down there. But at least I knew what to expect this time. I was sort of ready for it.

But, God I remember that pain. I remember the terrible, terrible things that happened to me down there. And every second, too.

"Dean, please, let me remember, not you. Please." She begged. I shook my head.

"No. I can't." I said.

"Why?" She asked desperately. I touched her face.

"Because I love you." I said.

_Is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last if tomorrow never comes_

She shut her eyes for a brief second.

"And I love you, that's why I'm asking you to let me do this." She said. I glanced at the clock again. I swallowed hard.

"Please, Baby, I don't want to fight. I don't have a lot of time…" I swallowed and blinked.

_Cause I've lost loved ones in my life who never knew how much I loved them_

I wanted to tell Sam goodbye. I'd like to tell Caity goodbye. But I couldn't. I was confined to this place.

I knew I was trembling harder as the seconds ticked by. I could almost hear them slipping away.

_Now I live with the regret that my true feelings for them never were revealed_

Lauren hugged me, finally accepting what I was doing.

"It's gonna be alright, Baby," She soothed. "Cas'll get you out. He'll get you out a lot sooner than last time. And it'll be just fine."

"I love you," I whispered. I couldn't get my voice any louder. "I love you so much."

_So I made a promise to myself to say each day how much she means to me_

"Shh," She kissed my forehead. God that damn clock. "I love you too. You have to stay strong, Baby. You have to. Just remember that there's hope. You will get out of there again." I nodded, cursing the damned tears that were welling in my eyes.

_And avoid that circumstance where there's no second chance to tell her how I feel_

_If tomorrow never comes will she know how much I loved her_

I held onto her so tightly I was scared I might hurt her. Hell, I was scared in general. I could already hear Alastair's voice jeering at me. That offer spilling from his lips ever chance he got. The punishment for denial. It was all so fresh in my memory. My worst nightmare. And I was about to go back into it for God knows how long. Actually, it's more like for Cas knows how long.

Alastair could do so much worse to me down there. He didn't have a life limitation like he did here. He could kill me as many times as he wanted and I'd still bounce back just like a new toy all over again.

"It's okay, Dean. Shh, don't cry, Baby." I didn't even know I _was_ crying. I felt her heart beat against my cheek. She was here, for now. Right here with me. But I had less than two minutes left.

_Did I try in every way to show her every day that she's my only one_

"I love you." I repeated, voice cracking.

_And if my time on Earth were through she must face this world without me_

A minute.

I started kissing her, branding the feel of her lips into my memory. She was crying too, holding onto me like she wouldn't let them take me. Somewhere in my imagination I heard dogs barking. Déjà vu.

_Is the love I gave her in the past gonna be enough to last if tomorrow never comes_

"Be strong, Dean." She whispered.

I wanted to tell Sam goodbye. I wanted to see my little brother one more time.

_So tell that someone that you love just what you're thinkin' of_

Three…two…one…

"SAAA-AAAM! SOMEBODY HELP ME! SAAA-AAM!"

_If tomorrow never comes_

--Oh no! More soon! Almost done...--


	20. Set Me Free

20

**Set Me Free**

**Casting Crowns**

**4 Months Later…**

_It hasn't always been this way_

Darkness. Fire. Agony. Alastair. My life. My afterlife. Hope had faded long ago, now it was just a dim light in the pit of my heart. Hope didn't help you down here. Hope didn't get the chains that held you tight to loosen. Hope didn't make the fires less hot, Alastair less sadistic, the darkness brighter. The light at the end of this tunnel was Hellfire. Endless Hellfire.

I managed to scream day in and day out. I managed still to beg and plead. I managed still to refuse him. But there was no way I could last another hundred and twenty years.

I still scream their names.

_I remember brighter days_

I don't really remember who they are. I can't remember any other world that might have existed somewhere. I did once. It was gone now. It was as real as Neverland.

Darkness, evil, horrors, fire, agony, Alastair, those things are real. Love, comfort, peace, light, beauty, Sam…myths.

_Before the dark ones came, stole my mind wrapped my soul in chains_

I have no hope. No faith. No beliefs. The nails that are being driven through my skin right now, I believe in them.

"C'mon, Dean," The demon's horrible face leers so close to mine. "One little word. It starts with a Y. So easy to say, c'mon." Somewhere I find the strength to say no. Another nail.

_Now I live among the dead_

Others are enduring this eternity but I can't see them. My corner is too dark, too hot, too painful for me to see anything beyond a few feet. My corner is reserved for those who are to be put through the worse amount of torture. I hear Judas was here once.

"One word, one word, one word…"

I wish I could give Alastair what he wanted. At least part of me did. But the other part fought. Fought for a beautiful face whose name was lost to me. And that part was stronger.

_Fighting voices in my head_

Alastair dragged the knife up my spine, splitting it open. Blood fell past my lips as I screamed.

"SAAAA-AAAAMM!" He was important. Very important. I wished I remembered why.

"He can't help you, Dean! Nothing can!" I couldn't move. Nothing below my neck would listen to me. But my voice seemed to work fine.

"HEEELP MEEE!" I shrieked.

"No one can hear you!" Alastair cackled.

That's when I saw it. The light. The light that made demons cower. My light. Alastair looked at it in disbelief. It was getting closer. Alastair tried to stand there and face it, tried to bear the light. But when it was close enough to make me turn my head he ran from it, just like all the others did.

I felt Castiel's hand wrap around my shoulder and pull. The chains came off, the pain almost stopped. I almost didn't believe it was real. I looked at the spot I had been moments ago, wondering if I would wake up and be there seconds from now.

"You are free, Dean." The voice came from the light, and I had to believe it.

_Hoping someone hears me crying in the night_

I was leaving this place, forever. I wouldn't be back here. The angel's hand burned worse than any fire I had felt down here, but it would be over soon.

Suddenly I was gasping inside a closed, dark space. I sobbed, breath heaving and shaking. It was over. It was all over. I was out of Hell.

_And carries me away_

I felt the roof of my coffin, finding where I could punch through. These bastards just wouldn't give me a break. I drew my fist back and struck as hard as I could. Once, twice, then I couldn't breathe.

I pushed myself through, trying not to swallow dirt, making sure I didn't try to breathe. After forever my hand struck air. Both of my arms, reaching at a sky I couldn't see. My lungs were about to cave in from lack of air. That's when I felt someone grab my hand. My knee jerk reaction was to pull away, but the person wouldn't let me. They pulled, helping me. My face broke through, eyes closed against the bright sunlight. The person still pulled, holding my back that had been split open minutes ago. Finally my whole body was out. I collapsed in the grass, filling my lungs with that sweet oxygen. I allowed my eyes to try and open. I wanted to see the sky. I almost laughed when I saw it was still blue.

_Set me free_

"Dean." A voice said. My head turned, muscles tense, ready to run.

"Cas?" I tried to say. My throat was so dry I started coughing.

"Are you alright?" He asked. I nodded.

"Much better…now…" I croaked. He nodded.

"Do you want me to take you to Lauren?" He asked.

"Lauren." I whispered. It all rushed back. That beautiful face had a name. A name I loved. I nodded. Castiel touched my forehead.

When I opened my eyes I was standing in front of a motel.

_Of the chains holding me_

My legs wobbled slightly, threatening to give out from under me. I steadied myself on the trunk of a car. The gleam of it caught my eye.

I broke into a grin.

"Hey, Baby," I said, running my hand over the roof and down to the hood. "Ya miss me?" I couldn't stop smiling at this car. Didn't realize how much I missed her 'til I saw her. God, she's beautiful. But not as beautiful as the woman inside the room in front of me. And Sam. Sammy, my little brother. He's not a monster anymore, and he never will be. Cas promised. I walked toward the door, hesitantly. There was no delicate way to do this, no way to ease them into seeing me again.

I stared at the door, wondering what I should do. Then I heard her voice.

"Sam!" No, no, Cas promised he wouldn't be…He can't be trying to hurt her, he can't! I wrenched the knob and shoved the door open.

_Is anybody out there hearing me?_

It took a moment to register what I was seeing. And once I understood, my heart ripped itself in half.

Sam was kissing her feverishly, hands clenching her waist. Her shirt was gone. So was his. She was kissing him back, fingers tangled in his hair.

Tears filled my eyes and the pain in my chest intensified. My lower lip trembled, my breath coming in short gasps.

They must have sensed I was there. Lauren turned her head and looked at me. Sam stopped kissing her neck and looked up.

_Set me free_

Her eyes grew, jaw dropped, face pale. I was looking between the two of them, hardly able to comprehend what I was seeing.

"Dean?" She said. I looked at her, legs shaking again. Sam was looking from Lauren to me, trying to form words but failing each time.

I shook my head, the movement small and feeble. It was getting harder and harder to hold the sobs back. I squeezed my eyes shut as the first tear started to slip away. I walked away from them, leaving that horrible scene behind me.

I staggered past rooms, not knowing where I was going.

_Morning breaks another day_

I finally collapsed in the alley behind the building, unable to contain the sobs that were now bursting from my chest. I leaned my head against the brick, shutting my eyes.

"Dean there will be a consequence for this. There has to be a balance." That's what Cas had said. Is that honestly a balance? Keeping my family safe, my little brother from going psycho, and the punishment for that is seeing them…them…

My sobs made my whole body shudder and tremble, wishing the sky was as dark and pained as I felt.

_Finds me crying in the rain_

I heard footsteps coming in my direction. A subconscious part of my mind told me to run. They were coming to hurt me again. With their knives and chains and tools I couldn't name. I hugged my knees to me and buried my face in them, curling into a ball, tears soaking my jeans.

The steps stopped in front of me and someone knelt down. I wasn't sure if I should be scared or not. I wished I could get those images out of my head.

_All alone with my demons I am_

"Dean," A broken voice said. "Dean, I…I am so sorry, Baby." I looked up at her, tears still streaming in rivers down my cheeks. She looked at me, waited. Her shirt was back on.

I think she expected me to be mad. I think she _wanted_ me to be mad. But I wasn't.

I kissed her instead, trying not to remember who had just touched these lips before me.

"I'm not mad," I choked once I broke away from her. "I still love you. I don't blame you…I don't blame him. I still love you."

"Dean, I'm so sorry." She whispered. No, no she can't be crying too. I can't hurt her! I shook my head.

"I forgive you, I forgive you," I gulped. I couldn't stop crying. I wasn't strong enough. "But it hurts. It hurts so much!" She bit her lip and hugged me as I sobbed uncontrollably in her arms. After forty more years in that place of crying for relief this is what I got. More anguish, more pain. But this hurt my heart, not my body. It was worse.

Sam came up behind her, tears in his own eyes, his face twitching as he tried to stop himself from crying.

_Who is this man that comes my way?_

"Dean," He whispered. Lauren let me go. I looked up at him, wondering if I should try and stand up. But there was no joy or disgust this time as he looked at me in my weakened state. This time there was pain and pity. Nevertheless I stood up on shaking knees. "Dean, I…It didn't mean…God, I'm sorry."

"It's okay, Sammy." I couldn't stop fucking crying! He hugged me too, holding me tight, like he never wanted to let go of me again.

_The dark ones shriek, they scream his name_

I cried into his neck, thanking whoever was listening for keeping my little brother like this. I knew what he had gone through after I died. He told me what happened. He told me how it felt and I understood now. I could see it in his eyes. I could feel it right now as he hugged me.

This was what I expected to find when I got out. A little brother that missed me. One that was slightly lost and had been found suddenly. Sammy.

_Is this the one they say will set the captives free?_

_Jesus rescue me_

I pulled away from him, looking into those bleary eyes of his.

"You go call Maggie, right now." I said, trying to give a reassuring smile. He nodded, smiling back. He walked away, pulling his phone out of his pocket.

I turned back to Lauren. She stood there, looking at me. She was too far away.

"Baby come here, please." I said softly. I felt her warm arms embrace me again, kissing my face, touching my arms and my chest.

_Set me free of the chains holding me_

I kissed her back, holding her to me, breathing her in. God, I loved her so much. She held my face in her hands, wiping tears from my cheeks, looking in my eyes.

"Dean, your eyes." She whispered. What did she mean? Were they black? What did she mean?!

"What?" I said.

"Your eyes, you look so old," She said, her brow creased with either worry or pain. "How long were you down there?"

"'S forty years there." I gulped. She winced suddenly, touching her forehead.

"Then why am I getting a hundred and sixty?" She asked. I shut my eyes, damning that stupid angel.

"Stop it, Cas." I whispered.

"Is that true?" She asked frantically.

"Yes." I nodded.

_Is anybody out there hearing me? _

_Set me free_

"How? Dean, how were you there that long?!" She asked. I shook my head.

"Please, Baby, don't ask. I can't tell you." I said in a broken voice. She was holding me again, kissing my neck. My forehead rested on her shoulder, pushing the shadowed memories away as they threatened to overwhelm me.

I wanted to rest. All I wanted to do was rest. I was so tired.

_As the God man passes by_

I held her tightly, vowing to never let go. She kissed my cheek, gently rubbing the back of my head and neck.

I had forgotten that such a touch existed. I had forgotten that something like that could make the pain go away. I forgotten what love was.

_He looks straight through my eyes_

My eyes felt heavy with exhaustion and swollen with tears. My body was ready to collapse then and there. She must've sensed it.

"Baby, come with me, okay?" She said. She took my calloused hand in hers, leading me away from the dark place. I looked down at my bloodied knuckles, unable to believe I had used them to push my way out of my own grave. Before I knew it we were in a room. Sam was on his phone outside, talking in a cracked voice, saying he was sorry over and over again. I could almost bet Maggie had forgiven him already.

_And darkness cannot hide_

I sat on the bed, staring at the stained carpet, staring at nothing. A glass was pressed into my hand. I looked down at the water and drained it quickly. It was taken from my hand by the same one that had put it there.

She sat next to me, taking my hands again.

"You need to rest, Baby." She said. I nodded.

"Shower." I said, standing. She nodded. I walked into the bathroom, gently shutting the door behind me.  
It was the first time I had seen myself in awhile. My face was pale, ashen. I was skinnier than I had been. My face was slightly gaunt. And my eyes, my eyes looked haunted, dark, helpless. I looked away, peeling my shirt over my head, wincing when the fabric scraped over Castiel's handprint. All other scars were gone.

The water washed over me, washed the darkness way. Washed the stench of Hell away from me.

_Do you wanna be free?_

I stepped out, my skin red from the immense heat I put on it. I wanted all remnants of that place gone. But it was in my head forever. It had seeped through the lines so deep nothing could ever get it out. But I could try. I toweled off and put on the clothes that had "magically" appeared on the counter.

I stumbled out, my legs still not wanting to listen to me.

I sat on the bed again. Her hands touched my face, kissing me softly.

"Rest." She said. I nodded and lied down, my head resting on her stomach. She draped the blanket over the both of us, running her fingers through my hair.

_Lift your chains I hold the key_

_All the power of Heaven and Earth belongs to me_

"It's over, Baby," She soothed. "It's all over. You're not going back there."

I slept. I had nightmares. Awful nightmares that made me scream bloody murder and scare her.

Loud noises made me jump, darkness tremble, knives scream.

_You are free_

I had left Hell, but Hell would not leave me.

_You are free_

It would go away, or at least die down after awhile.

But even though I had gotten away, even though I was allowed to see the ones I loved again, I was not free of it. Not when I dreamt of those shackles and that demon's face so vividly night after night. No matter how many times she kissed me and told me it was alright, no matter how tightly she held me I would not be free. Even Bobby didn't know a way to help me.

I was out, I was away, but I would never be free.

_You are free_

**THE**

**END**

--That's right boys and girls it's done! That is the FINAL chapter of Lauren, Maggie and Kris's run. My series is definitely over. Thanks toeveryone that followed this from the beginning and picked up on it after the official end! God bless u all and thank you!--


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